Jokes of the day for Friday, 14 August 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 14 August 2015 |
The pilot was sitting in his s
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
A Bumpy Ride
Tickle Nhat Hahn: Flying in a plane can be a bumpy ride, even while taxiing on the ground. But it's not the pilot's fault. It's not the airline's fault. It's the asphalt.Wildebeest farts are a
Wildebeest farts are a gnu's scents.A gastroenterologist claims th...
A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patientsmade while he was performing colonoscopies:"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not,in fact, up there?"
"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.. You do theHokey Pokey...."
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you musta quit!"
"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
Church members...
Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
Military Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,
And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock.
Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.
But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
Flashers
A blonde's car breaks down on the interstate one day.
So she eases it onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and then opens the trunk.
Out jump two men in trench coats that turn to face oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, this causes the highway's worst pileup to date.
Shortly the police show up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs up to the blonde and yells, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by your car?" asks the cop.
"I've always been told when you're on the side of the road to use your emergency flashers!," she replied.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Hillary Clinton has finally an
Hillary Clinton has finally announced she will be running for President. Yes, finally. She says this is a great step forward for all women... who happen to be married to a former president.Screwed
A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?"
She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter."
He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"
Two bachelors, Larry and Frank...
Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”Ethiopian
What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit? A show-off!Chuck Norris invented the bear...
Chuck Norris invented the beard.Three Wishes for Three Priests
Three priests died and came up to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked up the priests and informed them there had been a mistake; they were not supposed to die for another 10 years or so.
The priests were upset about this and asked St. Peter what could be done. St. Peter said that he would send them back to earth in any form they wanted until the problem was fixed.
St Peter asks the first priest, " What do you want to become?" and the first priest replies," I always wanted to be an eagle and see all of God's creation from above."
"Done." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the first priest disappears.
St. Peter asks the second priest, "What do you want to become?" and the second priest replies, "I always wanted to be a dolphin and see all of God's creation from under the sea."
"Done." St Peter snaps his fingers and the second priest disappears like the first.
St. Peter asks the third priest, "What do you want to become?"" and the third priest shyly says, ""Well... my wish is kind of sinful."
"No matter. You can choose any form you want." St. Peter says and the third priest replies, "Well, I always wanted to be a...stud, you know?"
St .Peter replies, "I don't see a problem with that." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the third priest disappears.
Later, Jesus asked St. Peter, " I heard there was a problem with three priests being here before their time. Where are they?"
St. Peter explained, "One is soaring high above the Grand Canyon. The second is swimming in the North Atlantic. The third is on the left rear tire of a Chevy Blazer."
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page
I get so drunk that I imagine things
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?" "A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
Greg Giraldo: Dodgeball Skills
Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination aint your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, I better hit the books because this is not working out.