Jokes of the day for Monday, 17 August 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 17 August 2015
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Top 10 Funny Summer Quotes

DespicableMeMinions.org share with her visitors best 10 funny summer quotes. This funny quotes will add humor to your conversations while you're enjoying summer.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games.
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Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Physical Exam

The doctor has just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.

"The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women."

"Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient. "What's second best?"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
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Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Funny video of the day - Crazy Faces in Extreme Slow Motion!

Crazy Faces in Extreme Slow Motion! - How would you look at SM? - link to page video is posted initially.
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A Million Dollars

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.
"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"
GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"
GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."
The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"
GOD said, "In a minute."    

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
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Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

A woman walked up to a little...

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
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Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Funny Photo of the day - Great music at public transportation

Great music at public transportation - Everyone enjoys it | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

MONDAY...

KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT MONDAYS?
- NOTHING!!!
#joke #short #monday
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

“Resale means to go y

“Resale means to go yachting again.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
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Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Replace the question mark with a number

MATH PUZZLE: Can you replace the question mark with a number?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Seminary Q&A

Q: Why do monks always wear brown?
A: It's just their habit.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Will we ever make Libya puns?

Will we ever make Libya puns? I Gaddhafi-ling we will.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Dave went to his local lotto c

Dave went to his local lotto center to check his ticket. When the clerk checked his ticket Dave was told that he had won 5 million dollars. Dave went right home. When he saw his wife he said, I just won the lottery and I am going now to collect my winnings. I want you to be packed before I get back. His wife very excitedly ask, "What should I pack, warm or cold weather clothes? Dave looked at her and said "I don’t care as long as your are gone when I get home."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Put about 100 bricks in some p

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an openwindow. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leavethem alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.
If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them inengineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping. Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has beenmoved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved,congratulate them and put them in Executive Management.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
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 Chicken Jokes 04


Q: Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
A: Fry-day!

Q: What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?
A: It eggs-plodes!

Q: Why did the chick disappoint his mother?

A: He wasn't what he was cracked up to be!

Q: Is chicken soup good for your health?
A: Not if you're the chicken!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the other side!
Q: What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
A: "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!"
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?
A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser!
Q: Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have enough guts!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Is It Serious?

A man walks into his doctor and says "Doctor, doctor i have

a bit of an embarrising problem."

The doctor replies, "Okay, lets see it."

The man pulls down his pants and bends over to reveal a

lettuce leaf growing out his backside.

The man asks "Do you think it's serious?"

The doctor replies, "To tell you the truth it looks like

just the tip of the iceberg."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Chicken on the Field

Q: Why did the chicken run onto the football field?

A: Because the umpire called a foul.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Q: How come oysters never dona

Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?
A: Because they are shellfish.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Why did President Truman drop ...

Why did President Truman drop the first atomic bomb? Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 August 2011
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Honey, What Did the Doctor Say?

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 17 August 2009
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Cabbie

One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.

'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'

'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,

'Does this answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 August 2010
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Felipe Esparza: Not a Threesome Body

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 August 2010
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Rating: 4.7/10 (29)

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