Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 18 August 2015
  • Currently 9.56/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (916)

Cork Screw

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."      

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

A group of American tourists w

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I do."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Funny video of the day - HOW NOT TO START AN RC PLANE

HOW NOT TO START AN RC PLANE - Hmm, seems like kick-starting the engine doesn’t work on RC planes…who knew!? - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

“Vampires use must us

“Vampires use must use mouthwash because they have bat breath.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Does my Italian sister wear a

Does my Italian sister wear a lot of jewelry?  Sì, bling
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
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Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Funny Photo of the day - Banana Mobile

Banana Mobile | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

This was one of my dad's favo

This was one of my dad's favorite jokes:
Emmitt Smith died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, St. Peter was waiting for him and issued Emmitt an invitation to play for the HFL- the heaven football league. Emmitt thought about it for a minute and said, "Sure!"
As they walked out to the field, there was a game in progress. Emmitt was stunned. There were a lot of ex-NFL players out on that field. But what he found to be strange was that the jerseys didn't have any numbers. Instead they had letters on them. So he turned around and questioned St. Peter about the numbers. St. Peter chuckled and told him, "Up here we don't need numbers. The letters stand for the position they are playing, QB is for quarterback, WR is for wide receiver and so on." Emmitt smile and nodded his head. But as he gazed around the sidelines, he got a perplexed look on his face. On the other side of the field, there was a man wearing a jersey that had the letters TL. "St. Peter, as you know, I played football many years with the Dallas Cowboys and I am familiar with all the positions. But in all my years I have never seen the position of TL." St. Peter laughed and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot. That's just God, he likes to pretend that he is Tom Landry."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

An investment counselor decide...

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Find number abc

If 66aa4 - 439cb = aaa73 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Pay you to be good...

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good?

Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

 Try To Grow Chickens


A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
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Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Drinking & Fishing

It seems one day there was a Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan fishing in a boat in the middle of a lake.

After a few hours, the Russian pulls out a brand new bottle of Vodka, takes one drink, then throws the bottle into the lake.

When the others ask him about this, the Russian says "there is plenty of Vodka where I come from".

A while later, the Mexican pulls out a new bottle of Tequila, takes one drink, then throws the bottle into the lake.

When the others ask him about this, the Mexican says "there is plenty of Tequila where I come from".

Another hour passes and then the Texan pulls out a new bottle of Lone-Star Beer, takes one drink, then throws the Mexican into the lake.

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

A guy and his wife are sitting...

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
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Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

Top 10 Funny Summer Quotes

DespicableMeMinions.org share with her visitors best 10 funny summer quotes. This funny quotes will add humor to your conversations while you're enjoying summer.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games.
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Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A Shipwreck’s Synagogue

After many years shipwrecked on a desert island, Kaplan is rescued by a passing ship. Before leaving for home, he shows the ship’s Captain around the island. He points out the house he built from twigs and rocks and the vegetable garden he built to provide food. He then takes the Captain to the water’s edge and shows him the lovely synagogue he built."If this is the synagogue, then what’s that building over there?" the Captain asks.
Kaplan explains, "This is the synagogue that I go to. And that, that’s the synagogue I wouldn’t be caught dead in."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 May 2015
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Charging Elephant

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

A: Take away his credit card.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 28 October 2014
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Rating: 6.2/10 (5)

The Wedding

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 August 2009
  • Currently 5.26/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (65)

Blonde Coyote

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

She got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of her legs and was still stuck.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 August 2010
  • Currently 4.89/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (28)

Chuck Norris does not go hunti...

Chuck Norris does not go hunting. Chuck Norris goes killing.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 August 2011
  • Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (28)

Converting to the Society of Friends

Rabbi 1: We've got to do something. Many of the young people in our synagogue are converting to the Quaker faith.
Rabbi 2: I've noticed that too. In fact, some of my best Jews are Friends!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 August 2010
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (23)

Maria Bamford: 30 Ways to Shape Up

Thirty ways to shape up for summer -- number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three... What was I talking about? Im so hungry right now.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 August 2011
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Rating: 3.8/10 (22)

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