A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"
So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".
"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?".
"It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"
My boss called me today and saMy boss called me today and said, "How's it going at the office today? Is everything okay?"
I told him, "Yep, all under control. It's been busy. I haven't had a break all day."
"Great. Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure, boss. What?"
"Speed up play; I'm in the foursome behind you!"
“People say that as a
“People say that as a child, William Shakespeare was very playful.”
Two Women at the Pearly GatesTwo women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
Woman #1: I froze to death.
Woman #2: How horrible!
Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Woman #1: So what happened?
Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
Woman #1: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
Being broke, I held my birthdaBeing broke, I held my birthday in an outdoor latrine. Cause I'm too portapottie.
The teacher asked little JohnnThe teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says lil' Johnny
Find number abc
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
Two men were down at the pub talking.
The first man said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible !"
The second man says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!"
"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"
"Easy, every night she places a burnt offering before me!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Answering Machine Message 234
Thank you for calling, no doubt,
As you can guess, we're out.
When we get home,
We'll call on the phone.
Until then, just hang about.
Q; What do cows do for fun?
A: They go to the moo-vies!
Sign in a Police Station: It ...Sign in a Police Station: It takes about 3500 bolts to put a car together; but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.
Pay for the FoodThere was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.
Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for “enjoyment of food”
Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.
The manager said, “You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.” The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.”
The judge turned to Mike and said, “What do you have to say to that?” The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?” The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, – “I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”
Todd Barry: Hearing AidSaw a great product advertised -- it was a hearing aid made to look like a Bluetooth headset. Its for people who are embarrassed about wearing a hearing aid but not about wearing a Bluetooth headset.
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever.
Dormitory:   Dirty Room
Evangelist:   Evil's Agent
Desperation:   A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code:   Here Come Dots
Slot Machines:   Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity:   Is No Amity
Mother-in-law:   Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms:   Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness:   Genuine Class
Semolina:   Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries:   Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point:   I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes:   That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two:   Twelve plus one
Contradiction:   Accord not in it