Jokes of the day for Saturday, 12 September 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 12 September 2015
  • Currently 9.59/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (641)

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Best things in life are free

The best things in life are free! .Hugs .Smiles .Friends .Family .Love .Kisses .
#joke #short
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Angelic Assistance?

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.
Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”
With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side.
From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

As a graphic designer on socia

As a graphic designer on social media, I'm eager to share my GIFs with the world.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

"Doc, you've gotta help me...

"Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just one."
"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."
Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need...a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Conversations with Inanimate O

Conversations with Inanimate Objects:
"You never did love me! You only want me for my money!" - Your ATM Card
"I can see right through you!" - X-ray machine
Conversation in the kitchen:
Refrigerator: (to microwave) "You're hot!"
Microwave: "I know. And you're not!"
Vacuum cleaner: "Geez, that's cold! Brr.."
Refrigerator: (to vacuum cleaner) "Shut up, you suck! Go and eat my dust!"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

On that fateful day, Davy Croc

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.
William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.
Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A*B-C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (4, 5, 12, 13, 14, 17, 21, 31, 32, 39) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A*B-C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Cabbies....

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

#joke
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

 I Want To Lose Some Weight


A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

What Gear Were You In?

Policeman to Blonde: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Blonde: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

#joke #short #blonde #policeman
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

“I was nervous before

“I was nervous before hernia surgery. My stomach was in knots.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Three Doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "
You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"    

#joke
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Yo momma so fat when she turne

Yo momma so fat when she turned around we gave her a Welcome Back Party.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 May 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Try To Explain Women

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 12 September 2010
  • Currently 5.55/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (42)

Mo Mandel: Bought But Never Used

Our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. And he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. Ive never bought drugs and not used them. Right? Theyre not condoms.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 12 September 2011
  • Currently 4.32/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (41)

Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 12 September 2012
  • Currently 7.21/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (39)

Doc Steadman

Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."

"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.

"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."

"Right again. But how'd you....."

"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."

"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man in amazement.

"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 12 September 2011
  • Currently 4.95/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (38)

Signs Of Christmas

Toy ...

Signs Of Christmas

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”

At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000.
Three for $200,000.

A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 12 September 2008
  • Currently 4.69/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (32)

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