Jokes of the day for Friday, 02 October 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 02 October 2015
  • Currently 9.56/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (1120)

A thin girl

I met a beautiful girl last night, but she was rather thin. I mean this is a skinny girl. You never saw anybody so thin. She turned sideways you didn’t see her. I took her to a restaurant and the maître'd said to me, 'Can I check your umbrella?'

Mel Brooks (June 28 1926-)

Picture: Kim Kulish / AFP

#joke
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Herman the hypochondriac began

Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor. "I'm sure I've got a liver disease, and I'm gonna die from it."
"Ridiculous," said the doctor. "you'd never know if you had the disease or not. With that ailment there's no discomfort of any kind."
"Right," said Herman, "those are my exact symptoms."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Funny video of the day - Top 5 Amusement Park Adventures

Top 5 Amusement Park Adventures - We go to amusement parks expecting some thrills, some junk food, and lots of good times. But sometimes people get a little more than they bargained for. Here are the Top 5 Amusement Park Moments! - link to page video is posted initially.
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Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

“When the swimmer rec

“When the swimmer recovered from her stroke she decided to dive right into kicking her bad habits.”

#joke #short
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Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

A psychiatrist received a post...

A psychiatrist received a postcard from one of his clients who was vacationing in Spain. “I’m having a great time!” “Wish you were here to tell me why.”
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - Carrot heart

Carrot heart - You got to be really in love when you shape all these carrots into heart | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Top 10 Signs That It Is Time to Join E-Mailers Anonymous

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.

8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

5) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.

4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

#joke
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Trying To Fix A Clock

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Find the right combination

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

You might be a redneck if 21

You might be a redneck if...

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

#joke
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Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A man went to his dentist beca...

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious - Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

My wife asked me to buy ORGANI...

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "Thesevegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with anypoisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have todo that yourself."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

How Much

Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?

"Five bucks, sir."

"And how much for my suitcase?"

"No charge for the suitcase, sir."

"Okay. Take the case and I'll walk."

#joke
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Adam's Rib

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 December 2014
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Working late

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 October 2011
  • Currently 4.08/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (36)

The Umbrella

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 October 2012
  • Currently 7.30/10

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Christian Finnegan: Gym Membership

I joined a gym recently. I dont have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this times gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either Ill get into shape, or Ill just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 October 2011
  • Currently 5.35/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (20)

Missing Thermometer

A nurse walks into a bank to deposit her pay check. She reaches into her purse to pull out a pen to sign her check. To her dismay, she pulls out a rectal thermometer. In frustration, she throws her arms up and shouts, "Oh, great! Some asshole has my pen!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 October 2013
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