Jokes of the day for Saturday, 12 December 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 12 December 2015 |
A man appears before a judge o
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.""Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month'."
Six months...
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"
Robert Schmidt 12
I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when out of town ... they mail it to me.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday."
"I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils"
I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.
My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.
When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers ... we haven't spoken since.
A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
I don't like dogs ... keep getting mustard on my catching glove.
My mom called me last night ... I'm over it now. I was thinking of calling her back ... there it passed...
Funny video of the day - Best Fails of the Week 2 December 2015
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"If you talk to God, it's prayer. If God talks to you, it's schizophrenia."I always get drunk on my birth
I always get drunk on my birth daze.A man and his wife were workin
A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day andthe man looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big.I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape andmeasured the grill and then went over to where his wife wasworking and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than thebarbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.He makes some advances towards his wife who completelybrushes him off, "What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up thisbig-ass grill for one little weenie ?"
Question and answer
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy O'Furniture!
Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
A: Third grade.
Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.
Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.
There was once a great actor, ...
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
Mike Birbiglia: Fear the Most
I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, What do you fear the most? And she was like, I fear youll meet someone else, and youll leave me, and Ill be all alone. And she was like, What do you fear the most? And I was like, Bears. Efficiency Expert
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home.""Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Expanding universe
We live in an expanding universe.All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Fish Jokes 05
What kind of money do fishermen make?Net profits!
What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand?
Birdsthigh fish fingers!
What kind of noise annoys an oyster?
A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast!)
What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?
Jellyfish!
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?
'Your plaice or mine'!
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the 'Kelp-wanted' adds!
Why is a fish easy to weigh?
Because it has its own scales!
Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?
Because they have electric 'eels!
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!
To whom do fish go to borrow money?
The loan shark!
Bribe
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"