“The tale of the haun
“The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.”
A married couple was celebratiA married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.
The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."
Funny video of the day - The 12 Fails of Christmas || A Musical Fail Compilation
Al Gore And Leonardo DiCaprio
What's the difference between Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio?
One of them, due to circumstances beyond his control, was dragged down with the wreckage.
The other one is just an actor.
Funny Christmas cracker jokes
What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle!
Guilty ConscienceAn elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi."Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
The Washington Post asked readThe Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:
a.. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
b.. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
c.. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
d.. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
e.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
f.. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
g.. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
h.. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
i.. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
j.. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
k.. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
l.. Glibido: All talk and no action.
m.. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
n.. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
o.. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
p.. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
What's orange and sounds like ...
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.
So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town?
I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.
I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there.
We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on.
After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens.
When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.....
'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'
Party In The Kingdom
In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.
Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, "How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!"
The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. "There!", he said and vanished.
All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.
The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.
One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.
The king looked about him. "Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible curse?", he said.
"I will, sir!", said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.
The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn't! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!
Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighbouring kingdom's wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him.
"How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn't get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?"
The boy looked up at the king and replied, "Your majesty, it occurred to me as the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS."
Why is Santa Claus so jolly?Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Three convicts were on the way...Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
Robert Schmidt 13My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though...
When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.
Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV.
I broke a leg one time ... spilt coffee all over.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.
Would you like me to be your friend?
Kathy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.
One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer.
A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, "Okay, I guess so..."
"Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy.
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"