“I didn't used to li
“I didn't used to like duct-tape at first, but then I became very attached to it.”
Two psychiatrists were at a coTwo psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
Funny video of the day - Cheating Boss Prank
The Boss and the wife...
A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to upset his wife for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.
Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story,
"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"
"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hitailed it back here! Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."
Bad To Hear In Surgery
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
- Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again?
- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Always With the Jewish Jokes!Right away, Yossi interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once will you David!"
So David starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."
Procreation is crazy, aka a ...Procreation is crazy, aka a zygotic episode.
What a winning combination?
Never raise your hands to yourNever raise your hands to your kids. It leaves yourgroin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, nopain.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikazepilots wore helmets.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should havebeen more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets madat you, but when you take him in a car he sticks hishead out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is anidiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walkingfive miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and wehave no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I goout, I lock every second one. I figure no matter howlong somebody stands there picking the locks, they arealways locking three of them.
One out of every three Americans is suffering fromsome form of mental illness. Think of two of your bestfriends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. Ithink if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains allover it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggestproblem.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls andthey tell you it's because they're such beautifulanimals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only havephotographs of her on the wall.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at mysuede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow wasmurdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know therewere any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
In the Act
A Howard County Policeman broke up a young couple in the act of lovemaking on a pathway in Columbia.
The girl berated the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities.
The boy was silent throughout the confrontation.
The officer arrested them both anyway.
The girl was charged with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive person on his weapon.
Submitted by Calamjo
Yo mama is like a campfire: evYo mama is like a campfire: everybody gets to stick their wieners in.
The best revengeSometimes the best revenge is to smile and move on.
An old man goes to the Wizard ...An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".
Conway Twitty, Is That Really You?
A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”
How Many Women?
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
Traffic lights camera
Traffic lights camera
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was under the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going at snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.