Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 12 January 2016
  • Currently 9.53/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1250)

That podiatrist is v...

“That podiatrist is very sneaky. Give him an arch, he will take a foot.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

The CEO was scheduled to speak...

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."
The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Funny video of the day - PEOPLE ARE AWESOME (Fitness Edition)

PEOPLE ARE AWESOME (Fitness Edition) - Featuring incredible feats of strength and fitness including weight lifting, calisthenics, bodyweight fitness, handstands, squats, push ups and more. These workout routines provide serious gym inspiration and motivation! - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Microsoft and a lightbulb

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?

None - Bill Gates just declares darkness the new standard!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

I Would Like To Havea Second Opinion

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.
#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Funny Photo of the day - Half pint glasses

Half pint glasses - Now you are sure this is half the beer, nothing less! | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker

Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

I came up a with a new toothbr

I came up a with a new toothbrush. So I tried to fund it on Kicks Tartar.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

What has no beginning, no en...

What has no beginning, no end, and nothing in the middle?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Even when the man is listening what wife liked for her birthday

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.32/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (19)

Yo' Mama is so ugly, yo' dad

Yo' Mama is so ugly, yo' daddy takes her to work with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 November 2015
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Rejected Valentines

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk / But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow / Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store / In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right / I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class / Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished / But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass / Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie / I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny / So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister / You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 July 2015
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

The Skin Graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.  

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 June 2015
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

A guy walks into a bar...........

A guy walks into a bar...........

He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.

he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.

#joke #walksintoabar #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 January 2010
  • Currently 5.48/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (40)

The leading causes of death in...

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 January 2012
  • Currently 4.65/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (20)

Jo Koy: Three-Year-Old Son

Ive got a three-year-old son. Its like living with a crazy midget.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 January 2012
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (20)

Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 January 2010
  • Currently 3.65/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (20)

Church Bulletin Bloopers

  • A worm welcome to all who have come today.
  • Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
  • Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
  • If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
  • Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
  • Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

    #joke #friday
  • Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 12 January 2011
    • Currently 4.00/10

    Rating: 4.0/10 (18)

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