“The scientist had tr
“The scientist had trouble reducing the liquid, he just couldn't concentrate.”
A man took his wife to a BroadA man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage. Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.
"Miss it?" she said, "You were starring in it!"
Funny video of the day - PEOPLE ARE AWESOME (Girls Edition)
Money Is No Object
A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.
'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!'
The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor. 'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!'
'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'
'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!'
'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'
'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'
Knock Knock Collection 168
Stacey'ted until the bus stops!
Stalin for time!
Stan back or I'll shoot!
Stanton here answering questions is no fun!
Hymns for All ProfessionsDentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the PromisesOptometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician
Santa on Trial
Santa on Trial
You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:
Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole
Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go
Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker's Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees
You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year
Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly
Failing to file a flight plan for your travels
Failing to equip your vehicle with seat belts or properly fitting your reindeer with emission control devises Not declaring as taxable income the cookies and milk left for you by millions each year
Illegally competing with the Canadian Post Office, and possible breaking drug laws by administering an unauthorized drug to Rudolph to make his nose light up
And finally, parking in a no parking zone, namely rooftops, and having no record of either a driver's or pilot's licence ever being issued to a Mister Claus in any of the ten provinces and two territories.
Faced with all these accusations and understanding their severity, have you any statement to make before I . . . wish you a . . Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and dismiss these charges?
FLEX NERDLEGuess the NERDLE in 6 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
Q: What is white when it's diQ: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A chalkboard.
A man and his wife were sittin...A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
The old hotdog trickWe've all seen him, the party drunk/asshole. He has too much to drink, makes an ass out of himself, barfs all over the rug, then passes out on your bed.
We had a guy on the boat (I'm in the USN sub force) who would get so drunk when we pulled into a liberty port the asshole had to be carried back and dumped in his rack. We didn't want the MP's to snag him because that makes the boat look bad and our dickhead CO might have secured everyone's liberty.
To take care of this once and for all, we brought him back one night, out cold of course, and placed him in his rack on his side with his ass pointing to us. One person pulled down is pants and underwear while another person ran to the freezer and Doc's office. The second person came back with a frozen hotdog and a condom.
Here is how you do this little stunt:
1. Unwrap the condom and place it over the frozen hotdog. A lubricated one works best.
2. Shove the device up the guys ass and leave it there for a second or two. The condensation from the hotdog will allow it to be removed from the condom while leaving the rubber in the asshole.
3. Pull the victims pants up and leave them unbuttoned and unbuckled.
The less people involved the better. When our victim woke up and went to the head we all had to leave to keep from cracking up. When he was done with his shit, shower, and shave, he came to the mess decks for chow. He sat next to a friend of mine who was involved with the shen and asked, "Hey man, what happened last night?"
"I was going to ask you the same thing. You started drinking with some dork from a skimmer and the next thing we knew you guys were off to the bars out in town. Why?"
He had a mortified look on his face.
"Uhh, just wondering."
He never got trashed again while on that deployment.
Why does the bride always wear...Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the cooker and the fridge.
Can you spell that?
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
My mind is gone...
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
Sheep and Kangaroo
Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A: A sweater with big pockets.