Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 16 February 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 16 February 2016
  • Currently 9.56/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (1209)

“The punctual zombie

“The punctual zombie was undead on time.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Bumping into an old girlfriend

Bumping into an old girlfriend, Marvin invited her for coffee and told her that he'd given up accounting to take up writing.
"That's terrific!" she said, "I really admire a person who follows their dream. Tell me, have you sold anything?"
"Sure have," he replied. "My house, my car, all my stocks, and bonds...."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Put your money where your mouth is....

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man bragged replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

 Business One-liners 62


If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.
If at first you don't succeed, cheat!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Virgin wife

A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."

This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"

The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get screwed!"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Q: Why don't blondes like to...

Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Find number abc

If b61b4 - b10c6 = c13a find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

You met him in prison.

You met him in prison.
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said . . ."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Valentine's day is so close

Valentine's day is so close
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Scary Flight

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots."
The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.
The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.
In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 June 2015
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

The Preacher's Teeth

A minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:
β€œThe first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures...and I couldn't shut up.”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 November 2014
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-t...

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 February 2014
  • Currently 4.24/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (46)

The Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an

apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she

looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So,

the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old

man.

She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you

done that and what are you praying for?" The old man

replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In

the morning I pray for world peace and then for the

brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come

back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from

the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come

here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she

asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a

wall."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 February 2009
  • Currently 7.14/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (28)

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his...

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth, he scares the plaque off each morning by snarling in the mirror.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 16 February 2012
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (24)

Census...

Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 February 2009
  • Currently 7.22/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (23)

Compassion With an Umbrella

A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 February 2010
  • Currently 3.65/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (23)

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