Jokes of the day for Monday, 29 February 2016

A lot of people cry when they

A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Money Talks

They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.

“When two glow-worms

“When two glow-worms met in the dark, it was larva at first sight.”

There was a party, and the hos

There was a party, and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said, "Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood.
Then he asked, "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family stand up as well?" About twenty five people stood up.
Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave, this is a birthday party."

Three envelopes

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'

Holding her hand in the air and showing off her ten carat diamond ring., Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"

 Silly Collection 08

How did the telephones get married?
In a double ring ceremony!

What is a polygon?
A dead parrot!

Dad, there is a man at the door collecting for the new swimming pool.
Give him a glass of water!

Eat up your spinach, it'll put color in your cheeks.
But I don't want green cheeks!

"Quick, take the wheel", said the nervous driver.
"Why?"
"Because there is a tree coming straight for us!"
Where does success come before work?
In the dictionary!

Did you hear about the fool you keeps going around saying "no"?
No.
Oh, so it's you!

An HMO Manager at the Pearly Gates

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

There's a rom-com about

There's a rom-com about a girl marrying an insurance agent, they call it Love, Actuarially

The passenger tapped the cab d...

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to askhim something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car,nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stoppedcentimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then thedriver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. Youscared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that alittle tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's notreally your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver.I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".

Bastard Operator From Hell

It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH,

however, does have it's advantages. I assign the tape device

to null - it's so much more economical on my time as I don't

have to keep getting up to change tapes every 5 minutes. And

it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad.

A user rings

"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask

"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's

excuse ".. clock speed"

"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied)

"Do you know when it will be fixed?"

"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them

is you. Don't be so selfish - logout now and give someone

else a chance!"

"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need

is one page of Laser Print.."

"SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that

buddy!" I hang up.

Sheesh, you'd really think people would learn not to call!

The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me.

I put on a gruff voice

"HELLO, SALARIES!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"

"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone

calls cost money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract

your wasted time, my wasted time, and the cost of this call

from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By the time I've

finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME -

AND DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!"

I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's

obviously going to try and get an alibi by being at the

Dean's office. I look up his username and find his

department. I ring the Dean's secretary.

"Hello?" she answers

"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES

RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE

HIM A MESSAGE?"

"I think so..." she says

"TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'"

"Um. Ok"

"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL

ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO

THE PURITY TEST IN IT..."

I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...

"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD GIRL AND PASS THE

MESSAGE ON"

She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I

was just guessing about the purity test thing. I grab a quick

copy anyway, it might make for some good late-night reading.

Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds.

Modern technology is wonderful, isn't it?

Another user rings.

"I need more space" he says

"Well, why don't you move to Texas?" I ask

"No, on my account, stupid."

Stupid?!?.... Uh-Oh..

"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that

of Jimmy Stewart in a Family Matinee "I didn't quite catch

that. What was it that you said?"

I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too

late, he's a goner and he knows it.

"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account,

*please*"

"Sure, hang on"

I hear him gasp his relief even though he covered the

mouthpeice.

"There, you've got plenty of space now"

"How much have I got"

Now this REALLY *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want

me to give them extra disk, they want to check it, to correct

me if I don't give them enough. They should be happy with

what I give them *and that's it*!!!

Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.

"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"

"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says pleased with his

bargaining power

"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red, at room

temperature "4 Meg in total..."

"Huh?... I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg

Available?"

I say nothing. It'll come to him.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!"

I kill me; I really do!

Joke Joke

Q: When is a joke like a father?

A: When the punchline's apparent.

The photographer for a nationa...

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. 
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. 
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. 
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." 
"Why?" asked the pilot. 
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. 
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" 

Upon hearing that her elderly ...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

Really funny jokes-Show business

Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical

Two nuns were walking home one night down a very dark street. One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical started to become afraid. "Oh dear...this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?" "It's only logical," Sister Logical replied. "He wants to have his way with us." "Oh dear God!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them. "In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!" Sister Mathematical shrieked. "What do we do?" "Oh, that's logical," Sister Logical said calmly. "You and I will have to split up. You run one way to the convent, and I will join you there." Without asking another question, the nuns split up. Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical. A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered. "Sister, I am so glad to see you," Sister Mathematical gasped. "It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home. I was so worried! How in heaven's name did you escape?" "Oh that's logical," Sister Logical began, catching her breath. "He got to me and grabbed me. I knew what he wanted. So, I pulled up my habit." "Oh dear, Sister. Then what?" "He pulled down his pants....""Oh, Sister...!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. "Then what happened?!" "Well, that's logical," Sister Logical explained. "A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!"-