Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 02 March 2016

8 planets

8 planets,204 countries,809 islands,7 seas,6.000.000.000 people,and i am still single.

“The chandelier manuf

“The chandelier manufacturer involved in shady deals came to the spotlight.”

A man was sitting alone in his

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie appeared in a puff of smoke and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish, when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie, "That was your first wish, too."

Kings birthday

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him.

And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small grass house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to collapse down on the King.

Moral to the story is: He who lives in grass house, shouldn't stow thrones.

 Purchasing Mailing Lists

With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible. In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names to itself.

I don't mean to sound su

I don't mean to sound superficial when I say the Canadian PM has nice hair. Isn't it Trudeau?

Father and Son Interpret the Bible

A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of

his father, an

evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His

father took him to

the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you,

son. You

bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your

Bible a little, and

get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided

that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After

about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father

about the car.

Again, they went to the study where his father said, "Son,

I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up,

and I've observed that you've been

studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the

Bible study class on

Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't

got your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know dad,

I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies

of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair,

John the

Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that

Jesus himself had long hair."

To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you

also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"

Q: How do you drown a blonde i

Q: How do you drown a blonde in a submarine?
A: Knock on the door.

Burglar and an Elderly Woman

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"  

A polish man in bar

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.

The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."

The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."

"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!"

"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."

"And why not?" asks the polish guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."

"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"

Boiled Egg

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I dont think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!

True Mother-in-Law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.""Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

His True Love

"Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the love of my life…"
"Sir, I’m sorry, this is a brewery!"
"Oh, I know…"

Arrived safely

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he had arrived safely.

Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."