Jokes of the day for Monday, 07 March 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 07 March 2016
  • Currently 9.56/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (1194)

There’s a light inside of everyone

There’s a light inside of everyone. No matter what, someone is always going to come around and try to dim that light or shut it off. Whatever you do, you hold on to that light and you fight. You fight to not let that person tear you down, you fight for the right to define yourself, to not let anyone else tell you who you are. You gotta keep your head up, because people will always hang around waiting for you to fall, for the light to shut off. Don’t ever let someone fade the light that makes you beautiful. Because in the end, you’re the one who controls how brightly you shine.
#joke
Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

“What do you call an

“What do you call an expensive shoe? A cashew.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Yesterday I went to the doctor...

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors: greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Google Ads

I forgot!

"I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!"

"Why would you want to divorce him for that?"

"Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Funny Photo of the day - Amish Camper Cabins

Amish Camper Cabins | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

 Signs And Notices 03


These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

The Buddhist Hotdog Vendor

A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."
He gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he says: "Where's my change?"
Says the vendor: "All change must come from within."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Remove 4 letters from this seq...

Remove 4 letters from this sequence (MOTHERGTQD) to reveal a familiar English word.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

My friend drives a steamroller

My friend drives a steamroller. He's a grade guy, a real smooth operator. He has a nice flat, and a level head. He's really into community surface.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Chicamote handmade accessories
http://www.chicamote.com/

Blonde gets haircut

A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, "Please take off the walkman so I can cut your hair." The blonde replied, "I can't do without it, just cut around it."

The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, "I just can't cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman. Please take it off." The blonde replied, "I just can't live without it, cut around it please." The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough.

The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde.

In a soft but commanding voice she heard, "Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Ska band vs. Moose

What's the difference between a ska band and a moose?

A moose has horns in the front and its a**hole in the back, a ska band has...well...the opposite arrangement.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Q: Why do nursing homes give t

Q: Why do nursing homes give the male patients Viagra?
A: To keep them from rolling out of bed.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

After a night on the town, a y

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 December 2015
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

B.J. Novak: Learned Nothing in College

I learned nothing in college. It was really kind of my own fault. I had a double major: psychology and reverse psychology.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 07 March 2012
  • Currently 4.74/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (34)

Answering Machine Message 252


A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 March 2011
  • Currently 4.62/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (21)

Blonde at the hospti

A blonde went to the hospital because her body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her elbow and it hurt. She touched her callf and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.

"Thats why!!!!!!!!" "Your finger is broken!"

#joke #blonde #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 March 2013
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (20)

Dumber Child

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells “There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth.”

The second professor says “No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot.”

The first professor says “Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner.”

The son says, gleefully, “Sure dad” and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says “Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave.”

Sam says “OK.” and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, “Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it.”

Sam says “Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 07 March 2012
  • Currently 3.58/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (19)

“When you purchase st...

“When you purchase stuff south of the border, you don't Peso much.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 07 March 2014
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (16)

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