Jokes of the day for Thursday, 10 March 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 10 March 2016 |
The two men stood on the lonel
The two men stood on the lonely lighthouse. Through the fog they could see a small boat making its way toward them, with a lonely occupant.Suddenly a squall lifted the craft and tossed the man into the water. They sprang into action. Hurriedly they launched their own craft and fought their way through perilous and treacherous waters to reach the man. At last they got him aboard.
"It's a good thing you rescued me," the dripping man said gratefully. "I was coming out to see you about your income tax."
We have that in Texas...
A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.
"Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.
"We've got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch" said Tex.
St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.
"We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags."
Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.
"We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."
Microsoft Runs The I.R.S.
If Microsoft Ran The IRS
"Government should be run like a business." We've all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody's favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).
-- The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft's example and actually ship them the following May.
-- Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users' group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.
-- In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country's intellectual property.
-- When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.
-- When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year's form.
-- Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported.
-- The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft's, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number.
-- After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.
-- The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.
-- Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for- profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.
-- The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.
Moshe Reads an Arab Newspaper
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader."Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
Which underwater creature freq
Which underwater creature frequents brothels? A: Seahorse.Farmer Joe decided his injurie
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe."Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Soda Machine
One day a blonde went up to a soda machine, put in some money, and a soda came out. She got really excited and started to put more money into the machine. The more and more she did it, the more the soda came out.
After a while someone walked up to her and asked if they could please get a soda.
The blonde looked at them angrily and said: "Get out of my face, I'm winning!"
If God Had Voice Mail
Thank you for calling heaven.
I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
I Want This Done Right
A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine. "Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."
"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."
The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"
Elisha and Two She-Bears
A minister was talking to a children's Sunday school class about the Old Testament story of the children who mocked Elisha on his journey to Bethel. For once, he had everyone's attention, as he described how the youngsters taunted the poor old prophet and how they were punished: Two she-bears came out of the wild and ate 42 of them."And now, children," said the pastor, wondering whether he had gotten his point across, “what does this story show us?â€
A little girl in the front raised her hand and said, "It shows how many children two she-bears can hold."
Approval of the Family
When my wife and I decided to get married we'd been going out for a few years. We really loved each other and we wanted everything to be perfect... and pretty much everything was, except that one thing had been bothering me. Her sister was a babe and many times I visited, she would flirt with me, bending over in front of me, things I didn't want to acknowledge.
Well a couple of nights before the wedding, she called me over to help her with some boxes. She was moving out of her apartment. When I arrived, I found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little. I was shocked and she explained to me that she'd always wanted me and that it was her final opportunity, as these were my last few days as a bachelor. Well, I didn't know what to do. She told me she would go upstairs and wait and if I wanted to, I could follow her, but if I didn't, I could just leave.
I waited for a moment and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears with joy saying he knew now that I was really the right man and that I had his blessing to marry his daughter. This was a test to see just how loyal I was!
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.