Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 23 March 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 23 March 2016 |
The boss was very exasperated
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang."You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"
“I knew I had to pay
“I knew I had to pay the mobster the money I owed him. It was a matter of life or debt.”
Pierced Ears and Marriage
Q. Why are Jewish men with pierced ears well prepared for marriage?A. Because they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeliefnetSabee
Misproununciation?
President Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated at one of the finest tables. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a short skirt and legs that won't quit comes to his table.
"What would you like, Mr. President?" Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and answers, "A quickie."
The waitress stomps off in total disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: "What would you like, Mr. President?" Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A quickie, please." This time her anger takesover, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, "Um, Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'.
Answering Machine Message 162
Shhh! Don't talk, just listen! Meet me at the corner of Broad and Main and bring the girl. (CLICK)
The Rabbi's Confessional
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to
leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend
from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The
rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest
told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little
bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the
priest are in the
confessional.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and
sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He
says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and
sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the
priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this
week, three for $5."
Two antennas met on a roof, fe
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!I never said that
I never said that i would die if i didn't have coffee. I said other people would die. A priest was preparing a man f...
A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
What do you call a person that...
What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?"Trilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
"Bilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
"American"
Taxes
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.""Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."
The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Q&A: Why Was Moses Wicked?
Q. Why was Moses the most wicked man?
A. He broke all 10 Commandments at once.
Q. What animal could Noah not trust?
A. The cheetah.
Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?
A. Flood lights.
During a dinner party, the hos...
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
A man runs to the doctor and s...
A man runs to the doctor and says: "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!" The doctor asks: How long was she had this condition?"
"Two years." replies the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies: "We needed the eggs"