Jokes of the day for Monday, 28 March 2016

What are the three words tha...

- What are the three words that are most often found in the inscriptions in the world?
- "I love you".
- Not really. Those three words are "Made in China"!

“Time is important to

“Time is important to fullbacks. They are always rushing.”

An Atheist’s Hell

A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, "Arthur proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Whenever I see bacon in the pa

Whenever I see bacon in the pan, I think, ‘Now, that's parallel porking.'

The children had all been phot...

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he'sa doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."

We judge on results...

A minister has just died and is standing on line waiting to be judges and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. "I'm a taxi driver from Noo Youk Cidy"

Suddenly the angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.

Next, the minister steps up to the angel and the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"

The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results, all of your people sleep through your sermons, in his taxi, they pray."

 Indiana Crazy Law

One man may not back into a parking spot becasue it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.

Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.

All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.

Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.

Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.

State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.

Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.

A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.

It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.

Drinks on the house are illegal.

It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.

A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)

Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.

Liquor stores may not sell milk.

Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.

Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.

You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.

Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.

No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.

Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.

You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.

"Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal.

You are required to pour your drink into a glass.

It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.

If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.

Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.

A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.

The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed)

Auburn

It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offesnses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.

Beech Grove

It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.

Elkhart

It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.

Evansville

While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.

Fort Wayne

You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It`s In the Book".

Gary

Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.

South Bend

It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

Terre Haute

No one may spit on the sidewalk.

#joke

The Painting Lesson

A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very

interested in making a pound where he could. So he often

would thin down his paint to make it

go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this

for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to

do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches.

Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price

was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a

right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the

planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the

turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job

nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of

thunder. The sky opened,

and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over

the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on

the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the

Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God!

Forgive me! What should I do?"

From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint!

And thin no more!"

The trick to being smart

The trick to being smart is knowing when to play dumb.

Anxious Cab Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

A computer once beat me at che...

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Two guys were fishing down by ...

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

Al Jackson: Bacardi 151

I had a bad introduction to drinking, as it is. When I was 14 years old, my boys got me in a room and they gave me Bacardi 151. I didnt even know what the 151 stood for; I thought it was like Heinz 57 sauce or Formula 409 or some sh*t. Turns out you have 151% chance of taking a swing at your dad.

A fellow tries to cross the Me...

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, 'What's in the bags?'

The fellow says, 'Sand!'

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...

'What have you there?'

'Sand'

'We want to examine.'

Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, 'Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything - what were you smuggling?'

The fellow says, 'Bicycles.'

Humor about Irish Marriages

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.

The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.

"I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?"

"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."

"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."

"Nor swim either," added the widow.

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.

"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"

"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

A Blonde Bet

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend"
The blonde said "No! A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money"
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"