Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 13 April 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 13 April 2016
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Only in America

Only in America
Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
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“The plane flight bro

“The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
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Pagan Wives

Q. Why do Pagan girls make the best wives?
A. She'll always worship the ground you walk on.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
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Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

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Dogs would get kicked out of t

Dogs would get kicked out of the military, for derriere licking off doody.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
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Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Easy diagnosis....

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
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 Business One-liners 60


He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints.
Hindsight is an exact science.
History is the science of what never happens twice.
History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history.
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.
I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
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Chess Knight Move

Find the country and its capital city, using the move of a chess knight. First letter is K. Length of words in solution: 10,7.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Don't break anybody's heart;

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
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puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Advice from lawyers

George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."

George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.

When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."

George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".

The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 24 June 2015
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A psychotherapist was enjoying

A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he graduatedcollege. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper signadvertising his services. So he told a kid to paint a signboard forhim & put it above his clinic entrance.
Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply. He hadespecially noticed the ladies shying away from his clinic afterreading the sign. So he decided to check it out for himself.One look and he understood why. The boy only found a small woodenboard to paint the sign on and he had split the word psychotherapistinto the 3 words. His new sign read:
Psycho-
the-
rapist
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 06 January 2015
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Anthony Jeselnik: Better Man

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person -- so I can get a better girlfriend.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 April 2011
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Oh, yeah?

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."

"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

#joke #thanksgiving
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 13 April 2009
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Finding Jesus

An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks."Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 13 April 2010
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Greg Fitzsimmons: Definition of Debt

Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 13 April 2012
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Lightbulb Joke Collection 34


Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.
Q: How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a day. To expect them to do any more would place an unnecessary strain upon them."
Q: How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured on the back page of the gutter press.)
Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.
Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: 15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other side's back four to all stand around and put their hands up.
Q: How many Americal college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 April 2011
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