Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 20 April 2016

I could never live in a societ

I could never live in a society run by grizzlies. Way too much bearocracy.

Lady to the doctor over the ph

Lady to the doctor over the phone: "Doctor, I beg of you, please prescribe me something immediately to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I can't get into it."
Doctor: "Just come over here tomorrow, and I shall give you a prescription. Then you will soon be able to wear your wonderful new dress."
Lady: "Who said anything about a dress? I am talking of car."

“Did you hear about t

“Did you hear about the computer technician who received third degree burns? He touched the firewall.”

Sally was driving home from on

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.
After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

And a day was born...

God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "Call it a day."

 Knock Knock Collection 027

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bolton!
Bolton who?
Bolton the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bolzano!
Bolzano who?
Bolzano the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Don't cry it's only a joke!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Borg!
Borg who?
Borg out of my mind!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Brad!
Brad who?
Brad news I'm afraid!

Whats the difference

What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What can you give and keep

Q. What can you give and keep at the same time?
A. A cold!

I will not forget

I will not forget… I will not forget…

When I Was Your Age ...

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"

Producing A New Gum

Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".
The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"

There is no theory of evolutio...

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

If Noah Built an Ark in 2011

And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.
"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

The Trouser Snake

=> NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake) => LOCATION: Throughout the world

=> DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

=> SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

=> HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

=> ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

=> WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

=> CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

Madonna and a Convertible

What do you get when Madonna is in a convertible?

A top that comes down easily!