Jokes of the day for Friday, 29 April 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 29 April 2016
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1089)

Number of physicians in the US

Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year = 120,000
Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171
Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500
Accidental deaths/gun owner = .0000188
Conclusion: Doctors are approximately 9000 times more dangerous than gun owners!
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

“The new restaurant o

“The new restaurant owner was told to invite a warehouse staff for lunch because he heard they have good pallets.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Funny video of the day - The Ultimate Funny Monkey Compilation

The Ultimate Funny Monkey Compilation - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

An older man, not in the best...

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?"
The trainer replied...
"Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Pope and Purdue

One day Mr. Purdue comes up with this great idea for the Catholic Church. Immediately he makes plane reservations to go to Rome.

When he gets into Rome he makes an appointment to see the Pope. When he sees the Pope he says this: "It is great to meet you, your Eminence, and I have a little proposition for you. See, I was in church the other day and I thought of a great idea. Purdue Chickens is ready to give the Church $500,000 if you guys will change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'. What do you think?"

The Pope pondered for a second and said: "I don't really think so."

Well, Mr. Purdue was not going to be let down by this so he continued: "Purdue Chickens is so organized that we figured that there would be a little dificulty in the first offer. Okay, we are prepared to give the Church $1 million dollars to change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chickens'."

The Pope thought a little longer this time and responded: "No, I really don't think so."

Now, Mr. Purdue was getting a little nervous. He took out his handkerchief and wiped the sweat from his brow. He said: "Now, we at Purdue Chickens didn't really think that the offer was going to go this far, but nevertheless, we prepared ourselves. We are willing to give the Church $5 million if you guys will change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chickens.' What do you think?"

The Pope looked at Mr. Purdue blankly and then said: "Sure."

Later that day the Pope had a meeting with the Cardinals. He said: "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good new is that the Church has gained $5 million dollars. The bad news is that we lost the Wonderbread account."

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Funny Photo of the day - Chinese Wedding

Chinese Wedding | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

 Answering Machine Message 35


After a power outage: Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Animated GIF - Genius in the workplace

Genius in the workplace - Genius in the workplace - link to page gif is posted initially.
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

The doc told a guy that mastur

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
#joke
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Find number abc

If 82b0a - bb110 = 1bcaa find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

I can't date you

I can't date you if you can't handle my weirdness, sarcasm, stupid jokes, and my tendency to laugh at almost everything.
#joke
Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Business one-liners 50

Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. - Washington writer Rozanne Weissman

The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don't.

Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.

Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.

Astrology Laws: It's always the wrong time of the month. - Rozanne Weissman

Avery's Rule of Three: Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it's the start of a brand new series of three.

Baer's Quartet: What's good politics is bad economics; what's bad politics is good economics; what's good economics is bad politics; what's bad economics is good politics. - Eugene Baer (Baer also allows that it can be restated somewhat more compactly as "What's good politics is bad economics and vice versa, vice versa.")

Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.

Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 April 2015
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Calling the Last Rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72."
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 03 November 2014
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Answering Machine Message 225


(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 April 2010
  • Currently 4.19/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (31)

Salvation by Annoyance

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 29 April 2011
  • Currently 3.89/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (27)

Every time a bell rings Chuck ...

Every time a bell rings Chuck Norris kills a bear.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 April 2012
  • Currently 3.05/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (22)

Shy guy in bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 April 2015
  • Currently 8.48/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (21)

Chicken Gun

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
Defrost the chicken..
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 April 2010
  • Currently 6.05/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (20)

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