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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 01 May 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 01 May 2016

People don't always post on my Facebook wall

People don't always post on my Facebook wall but when they do, they wish me happy birthday and then ignore me for another year.
#joke
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

A little old lady had two monk

A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later.
Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

SLIDESHOW #126 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A married couple was in a terr...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Funny video of the day - Awkward Toilets, Funerals and Smashed Pearls

Awkward Toilets, Funerals and Smashed Pearls - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Couples

An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing. Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, she goes back to her book.

Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"

She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."

They both go back to their books, and a few minutes later, the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head, he goes back to reading his book.

The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"

Not looking up from his book the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference."

#joke
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (14)

Hickory dickory dock

A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, "I know I many be shallow, but they're so small. I just can't stand them!"

Her girl friend replied, "Look, don't get an operation or anything like that. I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment."

"You do look good. OK, I'll do it."

She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, "Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing.

Here's what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day.

To help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn't done them that morning.

She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She was startled when a fellow came up and said, "Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don't you?"

"Why yes," she said, "but how did you know that?"

He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock.......

#joke
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Give a man a fish and he will

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
#joke #short #beer
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

“The new restaurant o

“The new restaurant owner was told to invite a warehouse staff for lunch because he heard they have good pallets.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

 Adopt An NBA Player


THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.
Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.
Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
Simply fill out the form below.
___YES, I want to help!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in
need. Please select one for me.
* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to
ask for the cost of a specific
team (Sorry, does not include
cheerleaders).

Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa
[ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard
[ ] Diner's Club
Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________
Account Number: _____________________
Exp.Date:____________________________
Signature: _________________________

Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.)
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 July 2015
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

10 Christian Pick-up Lines

* Nice Bible.
* God told me to come and meet you.
* Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
* I know a church where we could go and talk.
* What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a Bible study?
* Nice bracelet. Who would Jesus date? Oh, I mean, what would Jesus do?
* Do you believe in divine appointment?
* Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?
* Christians kiss before parting–it’s an old Jewish tradition.
* Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member qtbabe
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 March 2015
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

A man walks into a bar and he'...

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink
and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "all lawyers are a*******."
A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "why? Are you a lawyer?"
He replies, "no, Iam
#joke #lawyer #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 May 2010
  • Currently 3.18/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (83)

St. George and the Dragon

A tramp knocked on the door of the inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answered the door.
The tramp said, “Could you give a poor man something to eat?”
"No,” said the woman, slamming the door in his face.
He knocked again and said, “Could I have a few words with George?”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 May 2010
  • Currently 6.38/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (64)

A champion jockey is about to ...

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 May 2010
  • Currently 7.30/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (47)

Chelsea Handler: Not Excited About Alcoholism

Theres a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. You drink too much. You sleep too much. Its like, if you were drunk all the time, youd be tired, too.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 May 2010
  • Currently 5.24/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (41)

107 Funny Christmas Jokes and Puns 2023

Christmas jokes and puns from 2023, although some older jokes might slip through

If these 107 Christmas jokes is not enough for you, please find lot more of Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

  1. What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed? Cookie sheets!
  2. What's Santa Claus's favourite track & field event? North Pole-vaulting!
  3. That sly smile on your face has me thinking you’re up to snow good.
  4. I didn't think this party would be such a drag; I'm snow bored.
  5. What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
  6. What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas? This is the season to be jelly.
  7. What's Santa Claus's favourite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!
  8. All I want for Christmas is ewe.
  9. I'm pine-ing for you.
  10. Have snow fear—Christmas is here!
  11. Your presents are requested.
  12. Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
  13. What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
  14. I bought my son a refrigerator for Xmas – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
  15. The moment you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
  16. This fire is so cozy, the snuggle is real.
  17. I'll be ho-ho-home for Xmas.
  18. A round of Santa-plause, please.
  19. Happy howlidays! Hope Santa Paws brings you lots of treats.
  20. Sending you pugs and kisses this Christmas.
  21. Who delivers Christmas presents to pets? Santa Paws.
  22. Yappy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
  23. Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
  24. These decorations are tree-mendous.
  25. I only have ice for you.
  26. It is ice to meet you.
  27. Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
  28. How do dogs sing jingle bells? Dachshund through the snow…
  29. Merry Xmas. Hope it’s not too ruff!
  30. How do Chihuahuas say merry Christmas? iFleas Navidog.
  31. What did the dog say to the Xmas tree? Bark.
  32. Santa’s little yelper wants to wish you a Merry Christmas.
  33. Why was the dog upset about the Xmas tree? He was not even allowed to bring sticks into the house.
  34. Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.
  35. Paws a moment this Christmas to reflect on what the season is all about!
  36. What do you call a wet dog with a bell on his collar? Jingle smells!
  37. It is never chew late to wish you a Happy Holidays.
  38. If you’re lucky this Xmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.
  39. That look soots you.
  40. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
  41. Children who don’t learn to tie their shoes properly are bound to wind up on the knotty list.
  42. It is the most wonderful time for a beer.
  43. The festive season has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
  44. How do dogs decorate for Xmas? They deck the paws with bows of collie.
  45. What do you do when it’s raining cats and dogs? Nothing; as long as it does not reindeer.
  46. You sleigh me.
  47. I’ll never fir-get.
  48. In 2020, the best gift will be hand Santa-tizer.
  49. You’re the best person I snow.
  50. It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
  51. I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
  52. Rebel without a Claus.
  53. You’re my soul Santa.
  54. What do snowmen eat for lunch? Ice burgers!
  55. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
  56. What do you call an old snowman? Water.
  57. Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.
  58. What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle!
  59. Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
  60. Why didn't the skeleton go to the Yule party? He had no-body to go with.
  61. What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Xmas Quacker!
  62. What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
  63. When I think about you, I touch my elf.
  64. He is a fungi to be with.
  65. Eat, drink, and be tacky.
  66. I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s a real stocking filler!
  67. You’ve got balls coming in here dressed like that.
  68. What is the worst Christmas present? A broken drum, you can't beat it.
  69. Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Clause.
  70. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa clause? Claustrophobic.
  71. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he has visited? He keeps a log book.
  72. Why is Santa banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
  73. What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo? An eskimoo.
  74. Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
  75. What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
  76. Single bells, single bells, single all the way.
  77. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
  78. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They keep dropping their needles.
  79. Who hides in the bakery at Xmas? A mince spy.
  80. How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
  81. What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.
  82. Eat, drink, and be meowy.
  83. Have a meowy Christmas.
  84. Merry catmas! Hope you have a Purr-fect Holiday season!
  85. May your days be meowy and bright.
  86. All I want for Xmas is mew.
  87. Here comes Santa Claws, here comes Santa Claws…
  88. Catty Canes.
  89. The tree and I are getting lit this Christmas.
  90. Are you oakay? Yes, I'm pine!
  91. I love hanging with you this season.
  92. Never fir-get how beautiful Christmas trees are.
  93. Have a tree-mendous Christmas.
  94. Hey DJ, drop the needles. Can I get a watt watt?
  95. I think my tree and I have a really good chemis-tree.
  96. Don’t forget that everyone is rooting for you.
  97. This year my tree is #ballin.
  98. Ornamentary, my dear Watt-son.
  99. Hey tree, do not leaf me hanging.
  100. Looking at you is like reading poetree.
  101. Birch, please.
  102. I love the festive season more than you think.
  103. Yes, I do consider myself a Christmas tree hugger.
  104. I’m having fun fir sure.
  105. I love you a whole watt.
  106. What a de-light you are to be around.
  107. Advice from a tree: stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots, and drink plenty of water.
#joke #christmas #newyear #beer #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Walking economy....

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm just a walking economy."

His friend replies, "What do you mean?"

"It's like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.

#joke
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (13)

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