Jokes of the day for Thursday, 26 May 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 26 May 2016 |
Although he was a qualified me
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, a local broadcaster ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
In the blank he wrote quite honestly, "The climate didn't agree with me."
“The political analys
“The political analysts I hear the most from are Don Key and Ella Funt.”
The following headlines were a...
The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The ironyin some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (thoughsometimes awkward). Check them out:- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died
What to get the wife with everything!
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"
Physic Parrot
Three women walk in a pet shop.
Suddenly the parrot yells out, "Yellow, pink, blue."
The first lady says, "That's funny, Iâm wearing yellow underwear."
The second lady says "well I'm wearing pink."
The third lady says "No way, I'm wearing blue."
To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, "white ! white ! white!"
The three women are amazed.
The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled "Bald, curly and straight!"
They never went there again!!
Yo mamma is so ugly when she t
Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."Life insurance premiums are ba...
Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from Chuck Norris.Little Miss Muffet sat on her ...
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.Girls Night Out...
The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.
The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.
Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!
Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!
The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!
After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."
A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Fuzz
Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane.He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.
"Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"
"What did ya expect ?" Phoebe sez, "A perm?"
Drew Fraser: Settling Down
Trying to find one woman that I can spend the rest of this weekend with.What stays in one corner bu...
Q: What stays in one corner but travels around the world? A: A stamp.
Guide Dogs
Two men are walking doberman and a chihuahua when they see a restaurant.
They're pretty hungry, so they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".
The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."
"A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical.
"Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job."
The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.
The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."
"A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks.
"A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!?"
Todd Barry: Summer School
I never understood the concept of summer school. The teachers going to go up there and go, OK, class, you know that subject you couldnt grasp in nine months? Were going to whip it out in six weeks.