Jokes of the day for Sunday, 29 May 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 29 May 2016
  • Currently 9.57/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (824)

A Scotsman, American, and an I...

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

When Beethoven passed away, he

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A coupledays later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heardsome strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint,unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ranand got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listenedfor a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony,being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate keptlistening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on themagistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gatheredin the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.It's just Beethoven decomposing."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

The lord givith....

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.

The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.

Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.

The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Too Many

So once there was an Chinese man, A mexican, and an american all in the same plane.

Now the chinese man Takes a pair of chopstickes and throws them out of the window.

Then he claims "We have too many of those in my country!".

Then the mexican grabs his salsa, throws it out the window and says "We have to many of these in my country!".

Then the american picks up the mexican and throws him out of the window and claims "We have to many of these in my country!".

#joke
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

A little girl and boy are figh...

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
#joke
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

People who have been single for too long

People who have been single for too long are the hardest to love. They have become so used to being single, independent and self-sufficient that it takes something extraordinary to convince them that they need you in their life.
#joke
Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games.
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

What is hidden in 3D image?

Stereogram - 3D Image
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

“Don't waste kindnes

“Don't waste kindness on a rotary engine - they never reciprocate.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Chicamote handmade accessories
http://www.chicamote.com/

John Caparulo: Yard Sales on Memorial Day

Every year back in Ohio, we would have yard sales on Memorial Day weekend, so its like Mardi Gras for white trash.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 May 2012
  • Currently 3.81/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (32)

An explorer walked into a clea...

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked. The pigmy answered: "Yes". "How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"
"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.
"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 29 May 2010
  • Currently 6.15/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (26)

Dan Cummins: Pizza Sale

I saw a grown man once riding one of those weird standup scooters down the side of the road -- you have to tilt to make it move forward, I think its called a Segway or a Douchebag Way -- wearing a toga and holding a sign for a pizza sale. My first thought was, Congrats, youve hit rock bottom. But my second thought was, If you took away just the sign, then that guy would rule.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 29 May 2010
  • Currently 4.04/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (26)

I think...

There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.

They have a seat at the bar. The bar tender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "POOF" you'll disappear."

So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Then the brunette goes in. "I think that i am the smartest woman in the world," "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... nothing happens... she is glad. She stands bravely and states, "I think... "POOF " she disappears.

Submitted by Curtis

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 May 2011
  • Currently 5.26/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (23)

A Jewish Landing

As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the Captain came on:
"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off.""To those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Hanukkah."
"To those who have remained in their seats, we wish you a Merry Christmas."

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 29 May 2009
  • Currently 4.87/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (23)

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