A woman went to the local psycA woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandma?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"
Sea monster and ship
“After eating the ship, the sea monster needed an Alka-Seltzer. He said, 'I can't believe I ate the hull thing.'”
I get turned on by animals.I get turned on by animals. Bestial, my heart.
1. You work for an acronym, on1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.
2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do.
3. The process becomes more important than the product.
4. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
5. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.
6. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
7. You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office.
8. You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled.
9. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
10. You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.
11. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different agencies.
12. Your name plate is attached with Velcro.
13. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
14. The office symbol on your badge is applied with tape.
15. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
16. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
17. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes.
18. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
19. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
20. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
21. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
22. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
23. Communication is something your group is having problems with.
24. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
25. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
26. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
27. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
28. Art involves a white board.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. You work 200 hours for the $100 performance check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"
31. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
32. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."
33. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
34. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
35. Change is the norm.
36. Nepotism is encouraged.
37. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures hang in your cube.
38. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
39. You can name more people that used to work with you than people who do.
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."
Ponderings Collection 14
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.
I went out today and bought everything I've been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.
The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
I really feel sorry for Madonna's baby, having to grow without a last name.
Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
Chess Knight Move
Irishman declares war
Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."
So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."
So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So
Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."
SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will."
"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"
Naming the Twins
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
Kyle Kinane: Always a MiracleIm in my 30s; everybodys having kids or miracles. Oh, its a miracle. Its always a miracle. Im like, You had sex, right? Yeah? Then no, thats exactly whats supposed to happen from that. I spend all my time preventing miracles; that is whats happening. I call it a miracle when the girl doesnt get pregnant. Thats when I start getting spiritual.
No Wool DownstairsA husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"
Howard is 95 and lives in a se...Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?
She asks, "What?"
Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then,
one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"
Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
Bless This Car
A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.