Jokes of the day for Friday, 08 July 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 08 July 2016
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1259)

Happy New Year 2021!! Happy New Year 2021

After 40 years of marriage, th...

After 40 years of marriage, the wife had not received a gift for Xmas, birthday, or anniversary since the first Xmas. So she drug her husband to the counselor.

After explaining all of this to the counselor, she looked at her husband with tears in her eyes and asked, "Why do you treat me this way?"
The husband said, "I am a very practical man, so when you use the first present I got you, I'll get you another."
The counselor asked, "What did he get you?"
The wife bowed her head and whispered, "A cemetery plot."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (12)

“A butter is an angry

“A butter is an angry goat.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 1.40/10

Rating: 1.4/10 (10)

Some Very Common Traits In Two Drunks

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.71/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (14)

Smoking sisters

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said,

'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'

The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'

The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.

'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'

'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.

The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,

'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'

'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.

'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.'

The sister thought for a minute and finally said:

'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?'

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

Funny Photo of the day - Camel in car wash

Camel in car wash - Don't judge people by their car | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Difference between hypothetical and reality

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”

The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”

The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?”

The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!”

The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”

The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?”

The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”

He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father answers, “OK, son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (13)

Animated GIF - Idiot box

Idiot box - Idiot box - link to page gif is posted initially.
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

At a college with a shady repu

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean respondedto investigations into the basketball team by suspending anybasketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office,followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won'twin this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand atthis college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to thebasketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six timesseven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you makingsuch a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 June 2015
  • Currently 3.58/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (12)

Which is a winning combination of digits?

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Do Your Boobs?

One day this guy named Dan was sitting in class next to a really hot girl named Jen. He was a dork but had a huge chrush on Jen. Dan wanted to tell her about his chrush on her but didn't know how to. So he said "Are your boobs so hard that when you touch them your fingers start bleeding?"

Jen was totally grossed out and said in reply "I guess you've never seen boobs before" **The End**

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 July 2011
  • Currently 2.06/10

Rating: 2.1/10 (81)

First hand job

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.

On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"

"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.

A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 July 2012
  • Currently 3.46/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (46)

Hamburger

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 July 2013
  • Currently 3.79/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (34)

Chuck Norris' favourite cut of...

Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 July 2011
  • Currently 3.12/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (33)

Ben Bailey: Slow People in the Subway

The thing I hate the most about the subway is every time I get off the train and Im trying to get out of the station and back up to the street, I end up getting stuck behind these really slow people on the stairs. It happens to me every time I take the subway. Its been happening to me for years. And my question is this: how the hell do they keep beating me to the stairway?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 July 2011
  • Currently 5.81/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (31)

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