Join us on WhatsApp
Join us on Viber

Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 03 August 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 03 August 2016

A patient was waiting nervousl...

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.
"My General Practitioner."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

“The food they serve

“The food they serve to guards can last for sentries.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

SLIDESHOW #48 - Funny Photo Slideshow

You gotta have faith

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didnt have a bucket or can.

One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left.The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.

The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I dont think it will work, but you sure have faith!"

#joke
  • Currently 6.42/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (19)

 To Do In Space Station


The Top 10 Things To Do While Confined In A Space Station

  1. Roll down the window and throw beer cans at passing satellites.
  2. Play some rather boring games of Solitaire.
  3. Try to bust that myth of Lays Potato Chips: Betcha Can't Eat Just One!

  4. Come up with as many wacky Top 10 List Topics as possible so Top 10 Boy will have work to do into the New Year.
  5. When the NASA camera is off, dance around to "Blue Jean" by David Bowie while wearing just your space helmet.
  6. Do what everyone else does, write out all of your postcards..mail them when you get home.
  7. Don't move, don't touch anything and if you break something, know that you will be blamed mercilessly for it and shunned by society to a Gulag in a remote part of Northern Siberia (Russian Space Station only).
  8. Access www.spacebabes.com on NASA's computer instead of doing those meaningless space experiments.
  9. Call Martian Escort Service..hope like hell they take American Express.
  10. Watch All of Pauly Shore's movies...try to find examples of humor, plot and a reason for making it.


#joke #newyear #beer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.21/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (14)

Funny Photo of the day - Shovel Guitar

Shovel Guitar | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Thank you for purchasing'

Thank you for purchasing'Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines'brought to you by Bubba & Cooter. Enjoy!
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room...
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 16 June 2016
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

New Guy in Town

The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink.

One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, "hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye". The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place.

A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying "I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head." Desparate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head.

Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. "hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the celing". The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was eaily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking.

The regular pulled it out but didnt even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. "Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!"

The regular retorted, "yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 October 2014
  • Currently 7.56/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (18)

Animated GIF - I think he's had enough!

I think he's had enough! - I think he's had enough! - link to page gif is posted initially.
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Donald Glover: Serious Black Candidate

When he was coming up, people were like, We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate. And then when he won, they were like, Our first multi-racial president. And I was like, Thats not fair. I mean, lets set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldnt yell, Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 August 2010
  • Currently 4.69/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (58)

Pee in Church

A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 August 2011
  • Currently 4.70/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (46)

Lost at Sea?

Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 03 August 2009
  • Currently 6.37/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (43)

Number Jokes

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.

When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"

"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 August 2012
  • Currently 5.66/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (41)

1-iron

What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?

Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Tantilazing

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 August 2010
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (25)

A father and son went fishing...

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 July 2015
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

Winning toast

PatrickĀ  hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"

And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.

Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 February 2015
  • Currently 8.38/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (53)

Pregnant for Two Years

"Mary, if you were a four legged animal and you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?"
"I don't know," said Mary, "but whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

The perfume

The young man says to his date, "I really like the perfume you're wearing. What's it called?"

The young lady looks puzzled for a minute then searches through her purse, finally dumping the contents on the table between them. She searches through the pile and finally finds a small spray bottle.

She examines the label and announces, "Here it is... 'Unforgettable'."

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

Jokes Archive

NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.