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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 09 August 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 09 August 2016

There's trouble with the car...

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

“They are showing 'T

“They are showing 'The Green Mile' at the big house today. It's a conflict.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

SLIDESHOW #71 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Good doggie

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."

#joke
  • Currently 7.64/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (25)

 A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.


Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Traveling without a passport/towel.
Trips over cordless phones.
Truck can't haul a full load.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
Two bits shy of a word/dollar.
Two chapters short of a novel.
Two degrees off square.
Two inches taller than spherical.
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
Two sheep short of a sweater.
Two socks short of a pair.
Two suits short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Pub art

Pub art - Is it art just to do it or to be sober enough to do it? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Bike

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. 

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."      

#joke
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Be silly. Be fun. Be different. Be crazy. Be you

Be silly. Be fun. Be different. Be crazy. Be you, because life is too short to be anything but happy.
#joke #short
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Animated GIF - UUUPPPSSSS!

UUUPPPSSSS! - UUUPPPSSSS! - link to page gif is posted initially.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Put about 100 bricks in some p

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an openwindow. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leavethem alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.
If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them inengineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping. Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has beenmoved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved,congratulate them and put them in Executive Management.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 17 August 2015
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Chuck Norris once ordered a st...

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 August 2011
  • Currently 2.68/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (56)

Faster than a speeding bullet....

Faster than a speeding bullet...more powerful than a locomotive...able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...yes, these are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 August 2011
  • Currently 2.36/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (47)

Kumail Nanjiani: Hogwarts Curriculum

Heres my only thing with Harry Potter... They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? Theyre getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures -- never heard of the Holocaust.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 August 2011
  • Currently 3.98/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (40)

A guy was driving when a polic...

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" 
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" 
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" 
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 August 2010
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (28)

Chicken on the Football Field

Why did the chicken run onto the football field?

Because the umpire called a foul.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 August 2013
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (14)

Grandpa and Grandpa...

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

#joke
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

Clarence and Rufus

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods. Their names were Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other.

Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. "RUFUS!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"CLARENCE!!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"

This went on every morning. Every day. Twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers came and built a bridge. Still, every morning every day for another five years the shouting and feuding across the river continued. Finally, Rufus wife has had enough.

"Rufus!" she yells, one day. "I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years, you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it!"

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway, looked up....TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."

"And?" she asked, breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said, "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" He ain't never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 January 2015
  • Currently 8.79/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (19)

Gallery Sale

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.
"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor." 

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (11)

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