Jokes of the day for Friday, 26 August 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 26 August 2016 |
A tourist, visiting a small to
A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name.
The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."
Walter Smith...
A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."
The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."
Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"
The Biology Song 07
Away in a Test Tube
(Melody: "Away in a Manger")
Away in a test tube
My plague cultures grow
On nutrient agar
Mankind's greatest foe
It's easy to grow them
If one does it right
At thirty-five Celsius
All day and all night
Once they are ready
You can let them go
To sicken the masses
With pus-filled buboes.
A Japanese company ( Toyota )
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India
Sadly, the End.
Sad, but oh so true! Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US
The last quarter's results:
Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
IF THIS WASN'T SO SAD IT MIGHT BE FUNNY
Animated GIF - Escapement
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Tig: Where Would You Go?
I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and hes hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? And I was like, Anywhere? He was like, Anywhere. I was like, Uh -- to the other side of the room. Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream. 
Confused baby ant
Why was the baby ant so confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
Found on https://www.flashcardmachine.com/jokes1.html , posted on May 17th 2007
15 Funny Dog Jokes
Q: Why do dogs make terrible dance partners?
A: They’ve got 2 left feet!
Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make ends meet.
Q: What did the Dalmatian say after he ate his dog biscuits?
A: “Ahh, that really hit the spots.“
Q: What happened to the dog who went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!
Q: When a dog has a fever, what’s the best thing to feed him?
A: Mustard—it’s the best thing for hot dogs.
Q: What do dogs do after they complete obedience school?
A: They get their masters.
Q: Why couldn’t the dog get the apple?
A: He was barking up the wrong tree!
Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Ruff!
Did you hear about the dog who was fined for delivering puppies on the side of the road?
She was given a ticket for littering!
Q: How can you tell the difference between a dog and a tree?
A: By their bark!
A large number of dogs escaped the SPCA today. Police are looking for leads.
Beware of dog? A woman walks into a shop and sees a cute dog by the counter. She asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?” The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.” The woman pets the dog, who barks and nips her. “Ouch!” she shouts. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The shopkeeper replies, “I did! That’s not my dog!”
Q: Are dogs good at science?
A: Well, Labs are!
Q: Why do dogs float?
A: Because they’re good buoys!
Q: Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
A: He knew how to paws for dramatic effect!
Facelift
This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."
She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.
But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.
"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.
The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."
"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."
A woman was found guilty in tr...
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
Before the internet ...
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either
Author:DwightKSchnuteThe three wishes
One day, a man was walking down the street when he saw a genie lamp in a nearby alley. Excitedly, he picked it up and rubbed it. A genie came out and said, "I will grant you three wishes, Master!"
The man was so happy, his first wish was, "I want a billion dollars!!!!!!"
"Your wish has been granted, a billion dollars is now in your bank account."
The man was even happier. "I want a beautiful woman!"
"Your wish has been granted," the genie said and a beautiful woman appeared!
"This is great!" said the man. Not wanting to waste his last wish, he decided to think about it for awhile longer. "I can't think of another wish right now, can I tell you later?"
"Make it so, whenever you say your wish, it will be granted."
The next day, the man was driving down the road, as happy as ever. He heard a popular commercial song on the radio and decided to sing along with it.
"Oooooh, I wish I were an Oscar-Mayer weinerrr......"