Two Aliens land in Detroit, ne...Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.
The first one says, "Earthling take me to your leader!" He gets no response.
The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again, "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!" Still no response.
The first Alien then turns to the second and says, "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!"
The second Alien replies, "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time,"Earthling take me to your leader!" No response.
The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump...
After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.He then says to the second Alien, "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?"
The second replies, "I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!"
Name that bird...
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
“Bookkeepers are prob
“Bookkeepers are problems for libraries.”
When Beethoven passed away, heWhen Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A coupledays later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heardsome strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint,unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ranand got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listenedfor a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony,being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate keptlistening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on themagistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gatheredin the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Knock Knock Collection 144
Ozzie you later!
Pablo your horn!
Pammy the key, the door is locked!
Paris the thought!
Parton my French!
Sister in lawI was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
Calculate the number 866
Kurt Braunohler: Slept Like a BabySlept like a baby last night. I woke up every two hours screaming in the dark and then I sh*t my pants and almost died for, like, no reason whatsoever.
Top Ten Questions I Would Have Asked Monica Lewinsky10. "Are you as completely sick of yourself as the rest of
9. "Technically, I'm President of the Late Show -- is that
8. "Can Vernon Jordan help me get my old job back at NBC?"
7. "Could you get Clinton to do something about those weird
6. "Did you ever have sex with the president while he was
talking to me?"
5. "Do you know how much easier you've made my job over the
last 14 months?"
4. "What's this about you possibly running for senator from
3. "Where do you see yourself in 10 affairs?"
2. "Who will you be sleeping with in 2000 -- Gore or Bush?"
1. "Did you bring a clip?"