Jokes of the day for Saturday, 08 October 2016
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 08 October 2016 |
Little Red Riding Hood was wal
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visither grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a
tree.
"Ah-ha...," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to
eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!"
Little Red Riding Hood said angrily, "Damn it, doesn't anybody f*ck anymore?"
Septic tank cleaner's fa
Septic tank cleaner's favourite video game? Cull of Doody.Walking up to a department sto
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?""Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man."
Code word
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone had commiteed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalk in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the Mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week!"
K9 Is For Assistance
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
“Why are you enjoying
“Why are you enjoying life while eating hotdogs? Because you're relishing the moment.”
Why White?
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
In honor of Chuck Norris, all ...
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.Blondes on a plane
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".
An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
Jim Gaffigan: Wish I Was Ethnic
I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. Cause if youre Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, Hes got a Latin temper. But if youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guys a jerk.A man goes to get his salary c...
A man goes to get his salary cheque and when he opens it he discovers that his employer has overpaid him by £2000.He decides not to tell anybody and keeps quiet.
At the end of the following month when he opens the cheque, he sees that he's been underpaid by £2000.
Fuming, he goes to have it out with his employer. "Sir, I think you've made a mistake on my cheque."
"And how do you figure that?" his employer asks.
"It seems I've been underpaid by £2000."
"So?"
"No disrespect Sir, but I want my money."
"Last month I overpaid you by £2000 and you didn't complain so why now?"
"Well Sir, thing is I don't mind if you make a mistake once but if it becomes a habit I have to say something."
Chess Day jokes
International Chess Day is celebrated on 20 July. Check out some funny Chess jokes!
Patient: Doctor whenever I cough it sounds like this 'pawn, bishop, queen.
Doctor: Sounds like you have a chess infection.
I played my friend in a game of chess.
She did not think that she could win but she wanted to check anyway.
When Australian chess players finish their meals in the restaurant...
they say, "Cheque, mate."
Life is like a game of chess.
I can't play chess.
Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?
Because it's on F1.
A girl comes across a guy playing chess against a dog.
She's very impressed with what she sees and says:
"What a clever dog!"
To which the man responds:
"No, no, he isn't that clever...
I'm leading three games to one!"
Where do chess players like to go to look for a bargain?
The pawnshop.
How did the king lose his home?
One of the horses took his castle.
Which knight always gave up at chess?
Sir Render.
Why do chess pieces look so uninterested?
They’re part of a bored game.
Why should you ever have lunch with a chess player?
It takes them ages to pass the salt.
Why did the chess player win the disco competition?
They had all the right moves.
When the King started telling a bedtime story to all the chess pieces, he said ...
"Once a pawn a time..."
Trouble Sleeping
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
It’s really painful to say goodbye
It’s really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to let go of, but it’s even more painful to hold on to them if they never wanted to stay in the first place. If someone doesn’t show you the same love that you show them, and acts as if you are unimportant most of the time, this maybe a big clue as to the fact that you don’t need them in your life either. The only people you truly need in your life are those who respect you and want you to be in theirs.I don't mind kids p...
“I don't mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.”