A woman was being questioned iA woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.
"Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."
“Some undercover oper
“Some undercover operatives are given blanket approvals!”
In Russia and Ukraine, it̵In Russia and Ukraine, it's easy to find wifey hotspots.
Football TryoutThe pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'
An eagle was sitting on a tree...An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Giving Sad News To A Troop
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
A girl is twice as old as he...
A young couple, just married...A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."
Nick Swardson: Vanna WhiteI think that Vanna White got the best job ever. Is that not the best job? If I were a woman, I would want that job so bad. Like, thats her job! What a country -- she just turns letters. I turn letters, but only when they glow. Im not stupid.
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
The Preacher and the MicrophoneThe preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as
he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the
mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting
wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third
pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets
loose, will he hurt us?"
Who Is the Real Virgin?
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible.
But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"