Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 07 December 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 07 December 2016
  • Currently 9.56/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (1502)

I am hereby officially tenderi

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So, here's my check book and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause... Tag! You're it!
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Geometry shapes my l...

“Geometry shapes my life.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Denounce the devil!

The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

 New Jersey Crazy Law


  • It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
  • You may not slurp your soup.
  • If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.
  • It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.
  • On a highway you can not park under a bridge.
  • Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.
  • You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.
  • Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.
  • It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.

    Bernards Township


  • It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".

    Caldwell


  • You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.

    Cranford


  • Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.

    Cresskill


  • All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.

    Elizabeth


  • It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.

    Manville


  • It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.

    Newark


  • It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.

    Ocean City


  • Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday.
  • People may not slurp their soup.
  • Raw hamburger may not be sold.

    Raritan


  • Profanity is prohibited.

    Sea Isle City


  • There will be no boiling of bones on the property.

    Trenton


  • Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays.
  • You may not throw a bad pickle in the street.

    #joke #doctor
  • Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

    Funny Photo of the day - Santa Claus Bathroom Set

    Santa Claus Bathroom Set | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
    • Currently 8.75/10

    Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

    The French-Canadian lumberjack

    The French-Canadian lumberjack cut his friend in half. He was accused of sawed-ami.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
    • Currently 4.25/10

    Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

    Animated GIF - Me, after a few drinks at happy hour

    Me, after a few drinks at happy hour - Me, after a few drinks at happy hour - link to page gif is posted initially.
    • Currently 8.33/10

    Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

    The woman entered the room, an...

    The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.
    The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
    Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
    He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
    Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.
    And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...
    Don't you just love shopping for shoes?
    #joke
    Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
    • Currently 5.33/10

    Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

    Calculate the number 779

    NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 779 using numbers [9, 7, 5, 8, 20, 689] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
    CHECK ANSWER
    Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

    The new minister's wife had a ...

    The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
    When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
    Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,"Having children is an act of God!!"
    An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them."
    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 December 2009
    • Currently 5.21/10

    Rating: 5.2/10 (52)

    puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

    Chris Rock: Natural Causes

    When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, its natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, youd got out of the way.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 December 2010
    • Currently 3.87/10

    Rating: 3.9/10 (45)

    Bag

    Saddam sent his son shopping to get some food.

    His son came back with the food on his head.

    So Saddam says "Why have you got the shopping on your head?"

    The son replies, "Because there is no Baghdad!"

    Submitted by Curtis

    Edited by Calamjo

    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 December 2010
    • Currently 3.87/10

    Rating: 3.9/10 (23)

    End of the earth

    BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!

    GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?

    Submitted by sai1ram

    Edited by Curtis

    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 07 December 2011
    • Currently 2.95/10

    Rating: 3.0/10 (20)

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