“A Lift Attendant is
“A Lift Attendant is usually a level-headed guy!”
A wife went to the police stat...A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Funny video of the day - Ice skating powered by chainsaw - Merry Christmas 2016
Walk on water
Joe heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Joe and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Joe stepped off of the side of the boat... and damn near drowned.
Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.
When Joe arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."
The Crowded StoreIt was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
Saskatchewan has huge methane...Saskatchewan has huge methane reserves – it must be one of the flatus places on Earth.
A lawyer died and arrived at tA lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance intoHeaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarterto a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and aftera moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quiteenough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I alsogave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back toaffirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest wedo with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
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A little boy asked his teacher...A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom,so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.'The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'
He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'
Josh Sneed: After-Christmas SaleI was walking back through this mall in January; there was a girl in front of Victorias Secret who stopped me. She was like, Hey, hows it going? I was like, Good, how are you? She goes, Well, Im curious, are you shopping for a wife or girlfriend today? I was like, No, why? She goes, Well, were having this after-Christmas sale, and all our bras are 50% off. And I go, I like when your bras are 100% off.
Honey, has anyone ever told you....
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
Why was the orange s...
“Why was the orange sad? He had peelings for the apple.”