Jokes of the day for Sunday, 01 January 2017
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 01 January 2017 |
The morning after an all-night
The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, "Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?"After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, "Well, I'm waiting."
And the guy takes a deep breath and says, "Well, I'm still counting."
Three astronauts
Once upon a time Nasa decided to send three astronauts to space for 2 years.
NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.
First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.
Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.
They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.
Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.
He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a friggin' match?'
Business One-liners 91
Old programmers never die, they just abend.
On a beautiful day like this, it's hard to believe anybody can be unhappy; but we will work on it.
On successive charts of the same organization, the number of boxes will never decrease.
One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. - Elbert Hubbard
One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
One of those days? I have one of those lives.
One seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
I don't get the point of
I don't get the point of aliens. I just look at them and ask ‘Whatta UFO?'A farmer walked into a bar and...
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviouslyupset, drowning his sorrows in his beer."What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonnahave to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flickingher tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing wentand kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out fromunderneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."
"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you.
Animated GIF - Hi, Mom!
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What did the Australian chess player say to the waitress?
What did the Australian chess player say to the waitress?
"Check mate"
A guy is sitting at a bar ...
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
Chuck Norris' credit cards hav...
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.Offer, Retracted.
A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number.
Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:
"Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me."
The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:
"Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.
But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can fuck right off."
Chad Daniels: Genetic Advancements
I cant wait until they could put wings on humans. Because when they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs, and when they could put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex. Some of those pedophile priest...
Some of those pedophile priests must have misunderstood the pope's orders: anul sects.
Birthday
Dad: - What do you want for your birthday? Son: - I want a remote control car dad.
Dad: - Say no more son.