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Jokes of the day for Monday, 09 January 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 09 January 2017

The engineer and the manager...

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

#joke
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

Why did the piece of...

“Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym? To get shredded!”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #97 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Complaining about the lack of

Complaining about the lack of sunlight in some countries is an ethnic solar.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

A blond and her blond boyfrien...

A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river. The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down. She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.
He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."
She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - Little girls having fun at Bouncy Castle

Little girls having fun at Bouncy Castle - What can be more fun? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Morty and Saul, are out one af...

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saultoward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.
Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

 China Blames America

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.
China blames U.S. for second mid-air collision!
Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States,” Fully responsible" for today’s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U.S. spy plane.
Officials have stated that at approximately 8:46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.
A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed "Panda Rash", told China's news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and onto wingman Thee Sum Yun Dork's f-8 jet.
"I told Thee Dork his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight." said the pilot "He could not shake the American foreign-devil" The blimp reportedly then veered left then right, taking out the rest of the squadron.
Pilot Chawp Sueey told Xinhua the American blimp " Fully responsible for the incident" repeating the language Beijing had used in the earlier incident.
China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology.
Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots.
"The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way. The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying missions at sporting events makes us indignant" Chawp Sueey was quoted as saying.
Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 January 2015
  • Currently 1.50/10

Rating: 1.5/10 (8)

Animated GIF - Mother and son in furniture store

Mother and son in furniture store - Mother and son in furniture store - link to page gif is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

A blonde was hard up for money...

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 January 2010
  • Currently 6.63/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (75)

A family took their frail, eld...

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her,hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her,fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 January 2016
  • Currently 8.27/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (60)

The Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The

interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can

you tell us your age, please?'

The blonde counts

carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before

replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'

The interviewer tries

another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you

tell us your height, please?'

The young lady stands up

and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then

traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top

of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five

foot two!'

This isn't looking good so the interviewer

goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our

records, your name please?'

The blonde bobs her head

from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing

something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so

he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your

counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the

measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you

doing when we asked you your name?'

'Ohh that!',

replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy

birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 January 2014
  • Currently 7.37/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (35)

The Pope vs. Moishe

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 January 2011
  • Currently 8.35/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (34)

Pun-Dead

Making fun of dead people is a grave mistake!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 January 2014
  • Currently 6.72/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (25)

The Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.      

#joke #friday #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 August 2016
  • Currently 8.49/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (51)

A professor of chemistry wante...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 June 2015
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Judge to prospective juror...

Judge to prospective juror: "And why do you wish to be excused from serving on this jury?"
"Your honor, it's because I don't believe in capital punishment and I don't want my personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course."
"Madam, this is not a murder trial. It's a civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $25,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay. I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 November 2016
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR KID IS SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS COMPUTER

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR KID IS SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS COMPUTER
David Letterman, April 23, 1997 10. Named his hamsters 'I' 'B' 'M'

9. Every day after school, eats his weight in silicon chips 'n' salsa

8. He somehow uses morphing technology to make your cat look just like David Duchovny

7. He's been in bed all week with a computer virus

6. Refers to having sex as 'Logging On'

5. His name: Carl. His Nickname: 'Carpal Tunnel Carl'

4. During power outage, paced around house like a caffeinated squirrel

3. He calls you 'WWW.DADDY.COM'

2. Walls of his room covered with printouts of a naked Bill Gates

1. 2 Words: 'Cyber Acne'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 May 2010
  • Currently 6.11/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (9)

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