Jokes of the day for Thursday, 12 January 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 12 January 2017
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1780)

The Doctor Needs A Wrench

A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right. The woman's husband sits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver. The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, 'Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?'
'I don't know,' replies the flustered doctor, 'I can't get my bag open!'

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

How do fish keep up...

“How do fish keep up with what's going on? They listen to the current news.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

A police officer in a small to...

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain..."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

I'm going to give you some money...

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Funny Photo of the day - In a pool like a boss

In a pool like a boss - The Real Boss | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

 The Vultures Are Flying


As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Animated GIF - When it's clearly time to go home

When it's clearly time to go home - When it's clearly time to go home - link to page gif is posted initially.
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

The Evangelizing Barber

There was a barber who paid close attention at his parish whenever the topic of evangelization was discussed. He thought he should be doing more to share his faith with his customers.The next morning the barber told the Lord in prayer, “Today I’m going to witness to the first customer who walks through my door.”A man came in as he opened his shop and said, “I need a shave.” The barber said, “Yes sir! Just have a seat and I’ll be right with you.” The barber went in the back and prayed a quick prayer saying, “Lord, the first customer just came in and I’m going to witness to him. Give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say. Amen.”Then the barber came out with his straight razor in one hand and a Bible in the other and told his customer, “I have a question for you: Are you read to meet your Maker?”
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Calculate the number 564

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 564 using numbers [8, 3, 6, 2, 64, 932] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

I hate used car dealers. They

I hate used car dealers. They can be so over sell us.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

A busload of politicians were

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Mike Lawrence: Angel's Mouth

My mom wants to manage my comedy career now and I was like, 'Alright mom, why don't you give me some notes?' And one of her notes was, 'You should smile more, you have an angel's mouth.' I feel I should manage my mom in helping her write pickup lines for pedophiles in the wooing phase.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

What do you call an Arab bodybuilder?

What do you call an Arab bodybuilder?

A protein sheikh.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Windows frozen, won't open.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Dentist: Little Johnny, you'r...

Dentist: Little Johnny, you're not brushing your teeth very well. Do you know what comes after decay?
Little Johnny: De 'L'?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

A guy walks into a bar...........

A guy walks into a bar...........

He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.

he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.

#joke #walksintoabar #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 January 2010
  • Currently 5.69/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (42)

The leading causes of death in...

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 January 2012
  • Currently 4.17/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (23)

Jo Koy: Three-Year-Old Son

Ive got a three-year-old son. Its like living with a crazy midget.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 January 2012
  • Currently 4.76/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (21)

Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 January 2010
  • Currently 3.95/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (21)

Even when the man is listening what wife liked for her birthday

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 January 2016
  • Currently 8.40/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (20)

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