Jokes of the day for Friday, 13 January 2017

Maybe I Do Like Your Boyfriend

Father: What do you see in that boyfriend of yours?
Teen daughter: Well... he’s reliable.
Father: He’s always late picking you up!
Teen daughter: I know and I can always count on it.
.............. Remember when you had to sit in the front room with my dates until I was ready?
Father: Now that you mention it, I’m beginning to like this guy!

What do dogs do afte...

“What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?
They get their masters.”

One sunny day in Ireland, two

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says, "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says, "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?"
"I'm from Dublin," came the reply.
"Me too! What street do you live on?"
"McCarthy street."
The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?"
"162," the first man replies.
"Me too! What are your parents names?"
"Connor and Shannon."
The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks, "What's new today?"
"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."

Adam's ribs

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

 Birthday Party

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older. You are just getting better."
Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

Three Days After Easter

Following the resurrection, the disciples were still scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?" John says, "The good news is Christ is risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday." From EasterHumor.com

How does a male cat sense when

How does a male cat sense when a female is in heat? All the feral moans.

A man had just bought a parrot...

A man had just bought a parrot at an auction after some very spirited bidding.
"I suppose that bird talks?" he said to the auctioneer.
"Talks!" was the reply. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

Mike Lawrence: Angel's Mouth

My mom wants to manage my comedy career now and I was like, 'Alright mom, why don't you give me some notes?' And one of her notes was, 'You should smile more, you have an angel's mouth.' I feel I should manage my mom in helping her write pickup lines for pedophiles in the wooing phase.

After eight days of backpackin...

After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.
"Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

Chuck Norris' belly button is ...

Chuck Norris' belly button is actually a power outlet.

A young Southern boy goes off...

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the waythrough the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money hisparents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won'tbelieve the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog OleBlue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him inthat program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get himinto the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy callshis father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believethis they've had such good results with this program that they'veimplemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get himin that program? "
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends themoney.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father willfind out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is allexcited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and readsomething!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, justbefore we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking backin the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then heturned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with thatlittle redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talksto your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"

Rickey Smiley: White Church

I joined a white church because white people get out on time.

You might be a redneck if 57

You might be a reneck if...

You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.

The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.

Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.

You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.

You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.

When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.

Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".

You own more than two clappers.

You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.

You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.

People are ignoring me

A patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!