Jokes of the day for Friday, 27 January 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 27 January 2017
  • Currently 9.53/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1614)

I finally got one over

The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'
'Fine.' I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'
I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.61/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (23)

A red blood count is...

“A red blood count is a communist vampire.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

A new soldier was on sentry du...

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.48/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (21)

The race

Two natural gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.

As they approached the truck, they realized that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run, too!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Funny Photo of the day - Would You Wear This Teddy Bear Coat?

Would You Wear This Teddy Bear Coat? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

 What Do You Do

what do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? pull out the pin and throw it back
what do you do when a blode throws a pin at you? run like hell shes got a grenade in her mouth!!
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Animated GIF - Sweet revenge

Sweet revenge - Sweet revenge - link to page gif is posted initially.
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

Three Policemen at the Pearly Gates

Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates.Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”“I was a police officer,” he responded.“What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked.“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”“Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates.”He asked the second man what he did as a police officer.“I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.”“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”He asked the third man what he did as a police officer.“I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.04/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (23)

If you break me I do not sto...

If you break me I do not stop working, If you touch me I may be snared, If you lose me Nothing will matter. What Am I?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Forget about cows! It&

Forget about cows! It'll be a low off your mind.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

I had the toughest time of my

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitiswas followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis...
I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

I was visiting my daughter las...

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

Hannibal Buress: Cancer Walks

I don't believe in cancer walks. Well, I believe in them because they exist but I'd rather just give money straight up and save my Saturday afternoon. I can make my own t-shirt, that's not incentive. Plus I don't think cancer responds to how far people walk. I don't think cancer's sitting at home, 'What? How many people walked how far? How many people walked how far wearing the same shirt? That's crazy! I'm out of here!' Remission.
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Bum Deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
"To apply, push up bottom."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 January 2010
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (26)

Patton Oswalt: The Apocalypse

Were probably going to die in the f**king apocalypse, but you know whats kind of exciting about that is that if the apocalypse actually goes down -- and I mean the f**king biblical apocalypse -- and if that starts to happen -- I mean, like, the ground opening up and demons flying out and gnawing on your flesh -- it means a couple of things. One: It means that Im wrong, and there is God and there is an afterlife. Two: It means that since there is an afterlife, you will be in the f**king VIP section of the afterlife.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 27 January 2011
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (22)

A male pastor walked into a ne...

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.

The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor.

As the room quieted down he walked up to the redhead bartender, and asked her,

"May I please use the restroom?"

The redhead replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again!

He went to the bartender and said, "Miss, I, don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the redhead. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the redhead, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 January 2010
  • Currently 5.38/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (13)

A hunter was rushed into the e...

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 27 January 2015
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

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