Jokes of the day for Friday, 03 March 2017
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 03 March 2017 |
Words and the Impressions they give
I asked a friend of mine by phone what he was doing.
He told me he couldn't talk because he was working on 'aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel while under a dangerously constrained environment.'
I was impressed. Until the following day when I learned that meant he was 'washing dishes with hot water under his upset wife's supervision.'
“Shredded Wheat - a b
“Shredded Wheat - a breakfast cereal that used to play guitar solos.”
Pee in the pool....
Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," insisted Little Johnny.
"That may be," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
Character qualities to look for in a marriage partner
A daughter asks her mother, “What are character qualities that I should look for in a marriage partner? You know, for someone that I will be spending eternity with."The mother replied, ”Go ask your father, he did better than I did.”
The caterer was consulting wit
The caterer was consulting with a woman about throwing a birthday party for her 72-year-old husband."Is it a surprise?" the caterer asked.
"Oh, no," answered the woman. "My husband knows he's going to be 72."
Simon Says?
The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. While most of the people told the minster how much they liked his message, one man seemingly had a different opinion. “That was a very dull and boring sermon, Pastor,” he said. The pastor was a bit baffled by this, but he continued shaking hands.A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, “I don’t think you did much in the way of preparation for your message.”Once again, the man circled back and appeared in line, this time muttering, “You really blew it. You didn’t have a thing to say, Pastor.”Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man. “Oh, don’t let that guy bother you,” said the deacon. “He’s a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying.”From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.13) When Parker Pen marketed a
13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
9) Pepsi’s "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.
7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6) Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
3) The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn’t Go".
1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela" meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."
Moses on His Walkie Talkie
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Once there was a man with an e...
Once there was a man with an extremely large penis, but, unfortunately, he also had a terrible stuttering problem, so he could never get a girlfriend. So he went to the doctor one day and said to him that he wanted something done about his stutter. The doctor replied that he would have to take off his penis to relieve him of the stutter. After a while the man agreed and had his penis removed.After the operation he was a smooth talker, but now he couldn't get laid because he had no penis. So he returned to the doctor and tells him he would like to have his penis back, because he has a better chance of getting laid with a stutter than with no penis.
The doctor replies, "S-s-sorry s-s-sir, b-b-but I c-c-can't d-d-do th-th-that."
For two solid hours, the lady ...
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
Did you hear about the new com...
Did you hear about the new computer virus?It's called the "Lorena Bobbit Virus".
Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!
Unusual affair
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious,” Paddy says. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”