Jokes of the day for Saturday, 18 March 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 18 March 2017
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1204)

Q: What do you get when you cr...

Q: What do you get when you cross a fortune teller with a prostitute?
A: A whoroscope.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

The lisping accountant was alw

The lisping accountant was always bothered by thumb tacks increase or another.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Funny video of the day - Fails of the Week - Lookout for that fence! (March 2017)

Fails of the Week - Lookout for that fence! (March 2017) - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Complicated order

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."

The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!"

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

 Lawyers On A Jury


A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.
The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.
After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.
The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Funny Photo of the day - Basketball hoop haircut

Basketball hoop haircut - Let's dunk | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

When humans are young, they ar

When humans are young, they are pushed around in strollers...
When they are old, they are pushed around in wheelchairs...
In between, they are just pushed around...
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Animated GIF - When you see someone you know...

When you see someone you know... - When you see someone you know at the grocery store and have no desire to talk to them - link to page gif is posted initially.
  • Currently 8.21/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (38)

The Russians Preparing for a cyber Attack

The Russians Preparing for a cyber Attack
#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

I am a 5 letter word, I stil...

I am a 5 letter word, I still sound the same when you; If you remove my first letter, If you remove my middle letter, If you remove my last letter, If you remove my first and last letters. What word am I?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

“Husbands wedded to s

“Husbands wedded to shopaholic wives face severe economic downtown turns!”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Black Eyes

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

#joke #monday
Joke | Source: Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 7.43/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (23)

Knock, Knock at the Convent

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.15/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (13)

A mathematician, an accountant

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"
The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
"Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down nextto the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 July 2015
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Build Me a Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 March 2015
  • Currently 8.84/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (90)

Smart Blonde

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 March 2015
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

Instructions amiss

A man was having marital problems. So he went

to his shrink. The shrink says, "When you get

home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,

embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours,

and make mad passionate love to her."

In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.

The shrink asked "How did it go?"

He said, "She didn't have anything to say,

but her bridge club got a kick out of it."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 March 2011
  • Currently 6.13/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (15)

A man asks his wife...

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 March 2015
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

The Biology Song 02


To the tune of "Send in the Clowns"
So this is it,
A few bases to go,
I've tried and I've tried but the techniques's so slow.
I've poured my gels,
I've run quite a few.
Full of bubbles, they leaked and why I never knew.
But where are the clones?
I've got to have clones,
The end is so near.
Is my broth rich?
Does it look clear?
Contamination is something I always fear.
Are my plaques blue?
They shouldnt be,
No DNA left I'm down on my knees,
So give me some clones?
I've got to have clones,
The end is so near.
I've had bad preps,
There've been quite a few,
Ive tried all brands of PEG, fresh buffers, but nothing would do.
And though they say,
Solutions will keep,
In my hands they last no more than a week.
So send me some clones?
I've got to have clones,
The end is so near.
I've read my gels,
My eyes are quite sore,
There's still sequence missing, of this I am sure.
But there it is!!
Finally done.
I've conquered this fragment and now I have won.
Whats's this I hear?
A voice from the door.
My supervisor wants 10kb more!
So give me some clones,
I've got to have clones,
Or I'll be here all year!
Bill Kalionis

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 March 2009
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (14)

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