Jokes of the day for Thursday, 23 March 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 23 March 2017
  • Currently 9.52/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (2030)

Graduation Speech

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.
'I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.'
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.'

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (32)

A college football coach was h

A college football coach was holding tryouts for the team one day, and a huge, hulking freshman showed up on the field and said he'd never played football, but he'd like to give it a shot.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach. The freshman looked around and spotted a telephone pole at the edge of the field. Without any delay or any padding, he charged smack into the pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed! Can you run?"
"Sure," said the freshman. He took off and dashed from one end of the field to the other and back, faster than anyone the coach had ever seen.
"That's great!" said the coach. He tossed a ball to the young man and asked, "Do you think you can pass a football?"
The freshman turned the ball over in his hands, hesitating for a few seconds, and shrugged. "Well, sir," he said, "If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

“Oncology is the stud

“Oncology is the study of car horns.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Did Fred Astairero

Did Fred Astaire have to wipe delicately?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - One spoon a day

One spoon a day - Should be enough | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

After three years of marriage,

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband abouthis lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women haveyou slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there'syou - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Trip to Alcatraz...

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Chess Knight Move

Find the country and its capital city, using the move of a chess knight. First letter is M. Length of words in solution: 10,12.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

 Answering Machine Message 57


Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Feeling listless, I bought som

Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn’t until I got home that I read the label.
"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can’t believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing wild in the yard!"
"See?" he said. "You’re smarter already."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Growing Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."    

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 8.67/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (24)

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?

A young man couldn’t decide which girl to marry. He liked one girl, but he really liked another one named Maria, too. He decided to ask his friend for advice. “How do you make important decisions?” he asked his friend. “Well, I go to church,” replied his friend. “Then I look up and pray and usually the answer just comes to me.”The young man decided to try just that. He went to church, looked up to pray, and the answer was written in gold above a stained-glass window.It said: AVE MARIAFrom "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 January 2017
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (10)

What do you call a person that...

What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?
"Trilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
"Bilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
"American"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 March 2009
  • Currently 5.89/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (28)

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.""Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."

The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 March 2011
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (24)

Taxes

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 March 2009
  • Currently 6.83/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (23)

Q&A: Why Was Moses Wicked?

Q. Why was Moses the most wicked man?
A. He broke all 10 Commandments at once.
Q. What animal could Noah not trust?
A. The cheetah.
Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?
A. Flood lights.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 March 2009
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (22)

During a dinner party, the hos...

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 March 2010
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (14)

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