Jokes of the day for Friday, 07 April 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 07 April 2017
  • Currently 9.53/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1735)

And the Winner Is

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison.
“Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.14/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (22)

Esther and Sally, two elderly

Esther and Sally, two elderly widows in a Majorca adult hotel, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Esther says, "Sally, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sally agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely," he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sally. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Esther, he's single."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Funny video of the day - Travel and Exchange Items (with People You Meet)

Travel and Exchange Items (with People You Meet) - 80 days on trip exchanging items with random people on the way - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

“Why do some people h

“Why do some people hate puns? Because they are laughtose intolerant!”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

How do you get mud off a pig?

How do you get mud off a pig? A: Use a sludge-hammer.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - People being busy at work

People being busy at work - But manage to practice important skills | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

1. You may not have more than

1. You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
2. Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
3. There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
4. When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.
5. Hunting camels is prohibited.
6. Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
7. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
8. Cars may not be driven in reverse.
9. Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
10. If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
11. No more than six girls may live in any house.
12. It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
13. A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
14. An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
15. No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.
16. Women may not wear pants.
17. It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Smell the Coffee...

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Calculate the number 258

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 258 using numbers [5, 5, 2, 2, 80, 560] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

 Uncovering A Scam


The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Last week our police station w

Last week our police station was broken into and the commode was stolen from the rest room.
Yesterday the police reported that the investigation is ongoing but they still have nothing to go on.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

I Dare You

At a church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God's work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today." When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, "I dare you to do it again."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 February 2017
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Chicken or the egg?

Which came first?

The chicken or the egg?

Neither... The rooster came first.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 April 2009
  • Currently 5.84/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (31)

Twenty Bucks

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says. he'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 April 2011
  • Currently 6.56/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (27)

Going to Las Vegas

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 April 2012
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (25)

A Game Of Animal Football


The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 April 2011
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (21)

Advice from children...

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 April 2015
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

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