Jokes of the day for Monday, 08 May 2017
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 08 May 2017|
Must Be the Camera
A photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the lady of the house. She looked at the photos and commented, 'These are great! You must have a good camera.'
He didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home he said, 'That was a really delicious meal!
........You must have some very good pots.'
A small boy is sent to bed byA small boy is sent to bed by his mother...
[Five minutes later]
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a glass of water?"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"
“After spending all d
“After spending all day grinding up tree bark and branches the worker was remarkably chipper afterwards.”
Hear about the wig thief? He hHear about the wig thief? He had a hair owin' addiction.
"Drag and Drop"
"Drag and Drop"
"We put the hospital in hospitality"
"Board as a doctor, leave as a patient"
"Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can"
"We have First Class, Business Class and No Class"
"Not enough seating, prepare for a beating"
"We treat you like we treat your luggage"
"We beat the customer. Not the competition"
"And you thought leg room was an issue"
"Where voluntary is mandatory"
"Fight or flight. We decide"
"Now offering one free carry off"
"Beating random customers since 2017"
"If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet"
"A bloody good airline"
Hari Kondabolu: Mosh Pit at a Weezer ConcertA mosh pit at a Weezer concert is different from other mosh pits. A mosh pit at a Weezer concert is basically nerds bumping into each other and apologizing.
Remove 5 letters from this seq...
Lamaze class question....
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is GOOD for you! Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt YOU to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
An Inscription ProblemAccording to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
Three Days After EasterFollowing the resurrection, the disciples were still scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?" John says, "The good news is Christ is risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday." From EasterHumor.com
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
An Unusual VetThere was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself
through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two
vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their
owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,
you get your dog back!"
Business One-liners 113
Goebel's Second Law Of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn't worth doing.
Goebel's Law Of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.
Goebel's Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine.
Goebel's Theorem Of Software Schedules: Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up going full circle.
Goebel's Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a chance of seeing it before that time.
Goebel's Observation On Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace, they would immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it.
Goebel's Law Of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you make yourself easy to understand?