Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 10 May 2017

GOP Promises – News from The Onion

GOP Promises Americans Will Be Able To Keep Current Medical Conditions If Obamacare Repealed.

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“After threading toge

“After threading together a fishing net the angler felt mesh better about himself.”

Walter White went from teachin

Walter White went from teaching chem to teaching meth.

Two guys from Blount County ar...

Two guys from Blount County are sittin' in a boat on Douglas Lake fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."
Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

A game of baseball

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

 There Is A Blind Man Here To See You

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

Daniel Tosh: Blaming the Amish

Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'F**k that.'

Guide: "I welcome you all to N

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard...
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"

Rainbows are what happens when...

Rainbows are what happens when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, li...

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Steven Wright 21

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

What do batteries run on?

Are there any questions?

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

[Later] I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Chuck Norris drew the line and...

Chuck Norris drew the line and made Johnny Cash walk it.

A man was walking down the str...

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularlydirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollarsfor dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I giveyou this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can getjust to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" theman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead offood?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'mgoing to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you fordoing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a manlooks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

A big Texan ambles into a Dall...

A big Texan ambles into a Dallas men's room and does a double-take at the little guy standing at the next urinal. He's holding his "snake" with two hands and smiling.
The Texan asks "How long is that snake fella?"
"14 inches."
"Is that 14 inches soft?"
"Yes."
"Well how long is it when it's hard?"
The little guy answers proudly, "I don't know - it takes so much blood, I faint!"