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Jokes of the day for Friday, 12 May 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 12 May 2017
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1751)

21st Century Newspaper

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (41)

“I collect vintage ti

“I collect vintage time pieces. When I see one I like at online auction, I put it on my watch list.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Dwarves make excellent mathema

Dwarves make excellent mathematicians, gnome adder how small they are.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Wrong way....

As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"

#joke
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (18)

 Answering Machine Message 171


Please hang up now if you would want to speak to Johan. Otherwise, please stay on the line to leave him a message.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.44/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (9)

Emily Heller: Homeless Guy

A homeless guy asked me for a dollar the other day. And I was like, 'A dollar? How about 76 cents? Because that's how much a lady hobo would make doing the same job.'
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (13)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A*B*C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (1, 3, 8, 14, 16, 21, 30, 32, 37, 38, 82) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A*B*C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A teacher at a polytechnic col...

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand".
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

Three Jewish Mothers Compare Sons

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love them. Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves his mother." Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll." Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 March 2017
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

This guy goes into a pharmacy

This guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a litre of arsenic. "What's this for?" asks the pharmacist.
"It's for my wife," says the guy.
"Well," continues the pharmacist, "do you have a prescription?"
"No, but I can show you her photo!"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 April 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Her husband had been slipping ...

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 12 May 2013
  • Currently 6.57/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (49)

The Great Wall of China was or...

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 May 2011
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (49)

Admit That You Did That


An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.
He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Nobody answered him.
He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Again nobody answered.
The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,
"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."
The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"
The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 May 2011
  • Currently 6.42/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (43)

Overboard

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 May 2011
  • Currently 6.59/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (32)

What does that one do?

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 May 2015
  • Currently 8.48/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (21)

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