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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 29 June 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 29 June 2017

Although this married couple e...

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his wife, "Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."
She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him, "OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

I don't know if I j...

“I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

SLIDESHOW #106 - Funny Photo Slideshow

The Chinese cannibal bit off m

The Chinese cannibal bit off more than he could Chiu.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Not older...just better....

For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older, You are getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 7.84/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (19)

 Answering Machine Message 121


Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

Am I A Bad Father?

Johnathan asked his young son, 'Greg, do you think I’m a bad father?'
'My name is Andrew,' replied his son.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 6.72/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (18)

One day a little girl was sitt...

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 April 2016
  • Currently 9.09/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (45)

Before he forgot a gift for Ch...

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 June 2011
  • Currently 3.52/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (54)

God Takes a Holiday

Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 June 2010
  • Currently 3.70/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (46)

Jim Gaffigan: Bottled Water

How did we get to the point where were paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guys sitting there, like, How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 June 2011
  • Currently 5.30/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (44)

No ball room

Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?

A. No ball room

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 June 2011
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (40)

Sue Over The Property


Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 June 2011
  • Currently 4.58/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (38)

Scared Dad

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 23 March 2014
  • Currently 6.82/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (11)

Louisiana Highway Department e...

Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talkedwith an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspectyour farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want.See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'
So the old farmer went about his chores.It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running fortheir lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Ass.... Show himyour card!!
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Looking Heavenward

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. She went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

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