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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 12 July 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 12 July 2017

Proof Positive It's Not Fake News – Part 6

Proof Positive It's Not Fake News
#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

The Eight Levels Of Joy

The Eight Levels Of Joy
1. Your metabolism changes so that you can lose weight eating chocolate.
2. You realize that your kid's report card was really a bad dream.
3. Your computer actually crashes when the technician is there.
4. You bought Amazon.com 10 years ago -- and sold it high.
5. Steven Spielberg calls your boss looking for you.
6. You haven't put on weight -- your clothes shrank.
7. Your child calls from college just to say "Hi!".
8. The IRS loses your name.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

SLIDESHOW #13 - Funny Photo Slideshow

“I had a million buck

“I had a million bucks, but I couldn't shoot them all.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Siamese Twins are just like yo

Siamese Twins are just like you and me. When they make mistakes, they do their best to co-rectum.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Which broker...

After reading the morning headlines about the recent stock market downturn, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!"

The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes, Sir, stock or pawn?"

#joke
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

 Signs And Notices 18


These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.
Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

How to Produce Ugly Children

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your Mom.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 July 2011
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (48)

Unlucky Parachutist

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.

“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.

Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I'm a goner!”

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for.”

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”

The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 July 2012
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (39)

Lewis Black: Absolute Faith

You cant deny the faith of these people that we fight: its absolute. They believe that if they kill themselves, theyll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith -- to think that that would happen, when I havent met one on earth.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 July 2011
  • Currently 3.81/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (37)

Neal Brennan: Shut It Down

If you work in porn, I dont know if you and your coworkers know this, but we have enough porn. You dont have to keep making it. You did a great job, we appreciate your service, but you can shut it down.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 July 2012
  • Currently 3.36/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (36)

Blonde Email

How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?

Envelopes in the disk drive.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 July 2012
  • Currently 3.55/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (29)

Margie received a bill from th...

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anaesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

A man and a woman were asleep...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, groggy and bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, "Holy crap! That must be my husband!"
So the man jumped out of the bed scared and naked and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 12 July 2015
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

April Fool's Day - Here are 5 pranks you can play on people

1. Hard boil all the eggs in the carton and place them back in the refrigerator.
2. Paint a bar of soap completely with clear nail polish so it won’t suds up.
3. Turn every setting in someone’s car to the maximum: the heat, the radio, the wipers, the seats, etc.
4. Place a small piece of Post-it note over the ball under someone’s computer mouse so that it won’t work.
5. Switch the handles on the refrigerator to the side that doesn’t open.
#joke #aprilfoolsday #prank
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 February 2015
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

10 Things Men Know About Women

10 Things Men Know About Women

1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.) They have breasts.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 06 January 2010
  • Currently 5.81/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (67)

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