Join us on WhatsApp
Join us on Viber

Jokes of the day for Monday, 31 July 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 31 July 2017

Definition of a Toe

Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

A blonde was at home watching...

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.
"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.
"No, but it's okay - I got the licence plate number!"
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

SLIDESHOW #63 - Funny Photo Slideshow

“To the artificial ra

“To the artificial rainmakers every cloud has a silver iodide lining!”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

There's too much pickled

There's too much pickled cabbage in my fridge! A bit of an overkrauting problem.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

The black eye...

Mr. Bailey saw his son's shiner and demanded, "Scott, who gave you that black eye?"

"No one gave it to me dad," replied the spunky lad. "I had to fight for it."

#joke #short
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

 Your Kid Has Been Kidnapped


A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Sheng Wang: Designated Driver

I recently went out with my girlfriend. I decided she was going to be the designated driver but I did not bother to tell her about my decision. I just went ahead and got crazy sloppy -- 'cause actions speak louder than gibberish.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 May 2017
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (11)

PRISON vs WORK

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to payfor it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock andopen all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK....You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no workrequired.
AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work andthen they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through barsfrom the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get outand go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK....They are called supervisors.
When I finally left my last place of work, it was just likebeing released from prison, as I was free to do whateverI wanted to.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 August 2016
  • Currently 7.72/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (18)

Detective test

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Submitted by sai1ram

Edited by calamjo

#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 31 July 2010
  • Currently 7.34/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (53)

Password

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 31 July 2011
  • Currently 7.29/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (45)

Competition at the retirement home

An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his weiner.

Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his weiner.

One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.

"Where you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name's." "What are you doing there?"

"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my weiner."

"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"

"Parkinson's."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 31 July 2012
  • Currently 5.07/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (45)

Lone Ranger

Tonto and the Lone Ranger had a falling out... because the Lone Ranger discovered that "Kimosabee" actually means... "asshole!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 31 July 2012
  • Currently 3.98/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (42)

Dane Cook: Watching The Discovery Channel

Im watching some television tonight. Im watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. Youre flickin around, all of a sudden -- boom -- youre watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 31 July 2011
  • Currently 3.92/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (38)

The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. 'This,' he said, 'is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.'
A smart-aleck who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, 'Where is my father?'
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: 'Fishing off Florida.'
The smart-aleck laughed, 'Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.'
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The smart-aleck said to the Ultimate Computer, 'Where is my mother's husband?' Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 February 2017
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (39)

Top 10 New Years Resolutions for Men and Women

Top 10 Resolutions for Men

 

10. Find out why all my clothes have shrank. Again.

9. Read that book, “Stop Procrastinating” that I bought three years ago.

8.  Figure out why supermodels don’t want to date plain, bald men as the media has led me to believe.

7. Prepare for the zombie apocalypse.

6. Prepare for dating supermodels in the zombie apocalypse (it could happen, right?)

5. Vamp up that eHarmony profile with some spiffy pics of ex-girlfriends half cut off in every profile picture. That’s attractive, right?

4. Mention in eHarmony how I’m a great date and can zap a zombie.

3. Stock up on beer.

2. Stock up on condoms just in case!

1. Get a job.

 

Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions for Women

 

10. Get some better outfits.

9. Hit the gym for real this year.

8. Diet.

7. Cut back on lattes.

6. Take charge.

5. Travel more!

4. Believe in myself.

3. Wear all the shoes I have bought!

2. Screen the freaks on my online dating profile.

1. Stop dating losers who are obsessed with zombies on eHarmony.

#joke #newyear #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 31 December 2016
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Jokes Archive

NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.