Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 01 August 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 01 August 2017
  • Currently 9.53/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (2290)

A Smart Response

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. 'I have a higher IQ, did better on my SAT's, and make more money than you,' she pointed out.
'Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,' I said.
She looked mystified. 'How do you figure?'
'I married better,' I replied.

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

"Mummy, that dentist wasn't p

"Mummy, that dentist wasn't painless like he advertised."
"Why, did he hurt you?"
"No! but he yelled just like any other dentist when I bit his finger."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

“For breakfast, Shrek

“For breakfast, Shrek liked eggs ogre easy.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

By fed oral lawron

By fed oral law, all food must be eaten via the mouth.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Fishing on the Ark...

A Sunday School teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he with just two worms?"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

 Answering Machine Message 76


French monologue in the background: Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.44/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (9)

Chess Knight Move

Find the title of novel, using the move of a chess knight. First letter is I. Length of words in solution: 2,2,1,7,5,1,9.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Sheng Wang: Designated Driver

I recently went out with my girlfriend. I decided she was going to be the designated driver but I did not bother to tell her about my decision. I just went ahead and got crazy sloppy -- 'cause actions speak louder than gibberish.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 May 2017
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (11)

If your dog is fat, you aren'

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- Unknown
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- Unknown
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Gene Hill
In dog years, I'm dead.
- Unknown
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- Aldous Huxley
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.- Joe Weinstein
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.- Nora Ephron
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
- Ann Landers
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!
- Dr. Tom Cat
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
- Unknown
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
- Christopher Morley
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.- Andrew A. Rooney
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 January 2015
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Barfing

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 01 August 2012
  • Currently 4.98/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (43)

Corn maze for ...

Corn maze for blondes!
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 August 2015
  • Currently 5.23/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (35)

Russ Meneve: Unprovoked Shark Attacks

There were 79 unprovoked shark attacks last year. Unprovoked -- do we need that word in there? Are there people provoking shark attacks? Is there some dick from Jersey in the water: Hey shark, you freakin lookin at me? You got a problem or somethin? I got somethin for you to bite right here!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 August 2011
  • Currently 5.74/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (27)

Real Advertisements 03


Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 August 2011
  • Currently 4.76/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (25)

I Won!

A blonde walked in a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When

she gets her drink, she notices that it has a "contest game

piece" on the side of the cup. She peels off the sticker and

instantly starts screaming, "I won a motor home!" She

continues shoulting, "I won a motor home!" until the waitress

decides to get her boss.

"What's the problem here?" the manager asks.

"I won a motor home!" she shouts again.

"That's impossible!" he replies. "We didn't give out motor

homes."

She says "Well, it says so on this sticker."

The boss takes the sticker and reads it. It says:

"Win a bagel."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 August 2010
  • Currently 4.48/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (25)

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